Everything I Fear I’ll Never Say To You

I like you. A lot.

I am pretty sure we are at the point where we both know this, but I don’t think I have ever actually told you that I do, and I know deep down we could all use a little reassurance from time to time.

I think so far my time with you has been the best I have ever had with anyone, even though I’m not sure if saying “with you” is too suggestive of something I don’t think we actually are. I am trying so hard to live in the moment and pretend like I am happy just enjoying this for what it is, but to be honest with you, it scares me.

I am so afraid to be hurt again, even though I know the hurt between us is inevitable. I keep going back and forth in my head about whether or not what we are doing is a bad idea, if I am being so, so stupid for believing in any of this. How can I sit here and believe that this is anything more than what it is?

We have never talked about what exactly this is, and I think it is finally starting to get to me. I don’t know how many more girls like me you have in your life, just like you don’t know if there are any other guys in mine like you. (There really aren’t, to be honest with you. My interest in other people just really isn’t there right now). There is a part of me that wants to know what you have been doing with your time while you have been away, but then there is the other part of me that knows I may not want to know the answer.

I think we are both afraid of what happens next. Past experiences have conditioned us both to believe that what we have has an expiration date. That if we make it anything more than what it is right now, we will only end up hurting.

But is this not also hurting you? Or am I just the one who is feeling too much?

I tried so hard to remain distant at first. You would ask what I was thinking, and I never truly told you. I was thinking about that moment. About us. About how I have never been in anything like this before and that it is both exhilarating and debilitating at the exact same time.

I have never told you how much I worry about when the moment will be when again you realize that you are leaving and don’t want to start anything serious so you decide to stop talking to me. Every unanswered text is just another step closer to the day when I eventually just stop sending them because I already know what the answer will be: nothing.

Silence.

This fear is what also drives me to be so cautious about becoming too intimate with you. I would hate to give you everything only to never hear from you again.

I am not expecting forever; I am just hoping to not be forgotten.

I know I can only hold back for so long because when I am with you, it takes everything I have not to let myself be yours. I hope you know that. I hope you can see how badly I do want you and that you never feel bad when I stop things from progressing. I promise you, it isn’t because of you. None of my discomfort will ever come from you.

It is just so difficult to stop my brain from telling me that I am not the only one. That I’m just another girl in another city, another one of your experiences to check off of your list of adventures. I can’t help but wonder if any of this is actually real or if I am just playing the part of the love interest in this segment of your life. I don’t know you well enough to recognize whether or not you mean what you say to me or if your actions are anything more than moves you have learned work well on sad little girls like me.

I go back and forth wondering if not talking about it is the best way to handle all of this. It’s like I’m choosing between hurting now or hurting later. I don’t think I am the one who wins in this situation. Ultimately, you will leave and move on to the next girl you meet, and I will still be here wondering why I let it get this far in the first place. 

I have basically put the knife in my own heart at this point, and I honestly have no one to blame but myself for the pain I’m feeling right now. I could have ended this months ago, but then there’s the part of me telling me that everything about this is so right.

That this means something and that it has to be different from all of the other times.

I don’t know what I will do if I ever find out the truth. I’ve never been filled with this much fear and excitement and confusion all at once, and I really don’t know what I should do next. I don’t want to get hurt, but I don’t want to regret not being with you either. I wish it would play out the way I have watched it so many times in my head, but I know better than that.

I think we both know better than that.