What Were You Thinking When We Knew It Was Over

What were you thinking that night I didn’t come home?

Were you worried about me? About where I was? About who I was with? About what I was doing?

Were you relieved to have the bed to yourself? No one there to steal the covers that night.

Were you hopeful? Maybe this was the start of the end. Maybe it’d be this easy.

What were you thinking that day on our street?

Were you angry that I was making a scene? Were you happy that finally a scene was being made?

Did you want to scream back at me? Tell me I was being crazy. Did you want to right hook me across the face? Did you want to grab me and hold me and tell me to come back inside?

What were you thinking when I’d been high on the couch for three days straight?

Were you angry I was there? Were you just happy someone was?

Did you want to ask what was wrong? Or did you not want to hear the answer?

Did you want me to leave? Did you want me to stay? Did you wish you could get high and lay on the couch with me, forgetting about time and any thing we had to do, any conversations we had to have?

What were you thinking that cold day in May?

Did you think I’d found someone else?

Did you think I wanted you to fight? Or were you already so tired of fighting?

Did you want to ask me why? Did you already know why?

Did you wish you’d done it first?

Did you have something else to say? Did you want to tell me you were sorry? Did you want to tell me to fuck off?

Did you want to cry? Did you want to laugh?

Did you think back to all the memories? Did you remember every day up until this cold, gray May morning? The lazy afternoons and late nights and spontaneous vacations. All the laughing and the eating and the dancing – well, watching me dance.

Did you wonder if it was because you didn’t dance?

Did you wonder what I wanted? Did you wonder what you wanted? Did you wonder if we ever knew?

Did you wish I would try to change? Did you wish you could try to change?

Had we already tried to change?

Did you wish timing was better? That I wanted things when you did. That you wanted things when I did.

Did you know this was right?

Did you know this was wrong?

What were you thinking?