I Will Not Be Here For You Anymore

I’m not going to sit here and preach to you and act like everything is your fault or tell you that you are a bad person. I acknowledge that I am not always easy or transparent or go about things the right way. I realize that I am difficult but I also know I am not that difficult. The fact is this last time I eventually told you what I wanted. I wrote that letter and said I wanted to be with you, to move with you, to uproot my life for you. You told me no. I am not sure why you told me no, but when you said you “just wanted a simple relationship,” I had a suspicion that it may not have been entirely accurate. You have never impressed me as someone who has wanted or would settle for simple. The background of your phone and your obsession with life quotes and the way your room was decorated at school doesn’t seem like you are searching for simple. This is a trait that has always impressed me about you and I think it’s a good thing.

I have noticed that you and I go in certain patterns. We talk and talk and things kind of build up until we are about to get somewhere and then things crumble. The same thing always happens. Things are going well and then we talk about doing something together or being together, and then for some reason you get cold feet and start to doubt. Instead of talking to me about it, you just withdraw and get distant. My reaction to that is always to freak out and shut you out instead of talking to you about it. This is just as bad as you not talking to me about things so I guess we are equally to blame.

Think about the time I went to your house, the time you went to mine, the week after you came to my house, and you asking me to move with you to a new state. We almost didn’t get a chance to do those things because of our patterns of behavior. When we both stopped fighting it so hard and actually did those things, we actually had a really nice time together. My favorite thing I have ever done for you was when I surprised you at a tennis match 10 hours away. I loved it because we didn’t have to go through that stupid cycle and I just showed up (it was the coolest feeling in the world for me).

I have joked about this but I don’t think you even realize how difficult you can be sometimes. You are the only person on this planet that has ever made me feel clingy and I don’t consider myself to be even remotely close to being a clingy person. Usually I am the one who needs the space and is kind of running away in all my relationships in my life (friends, family, girls).

Every time we stop talking or have a blow out (I guess you could call them that) you always ask me if I hate you. I don’t hate you. I don’t get angry about you saying you don’t want to be with me or commit to me. That is your decision and I decided a long time ago I would never try and force you into something you were unsure about. I kind of learned from watching you and your previous relationship that being with you when you are unsure doesn’t work out too well. (I guess I was always hoping that one of these times you would be sure about me.)

The thing I do have a problem with and that does make me angry is when you refuse to let go of people after you reject them and want them in this hazy kind of middle ground between talking but not being together. This is unfair and selfish, and that’s fine, I guess, for some people but it really messes with someone when they actually care about you.

I guess something I regret is maybe not telling you the way I feel about you in a strong enough manner. When I say I “like” you, it goes beyond that. Although I believe I am too young and inexperienced with relationships to know what love is or feels like, you are not just someone that I think is cute and feel slight attraction to. If that were the case, I would have quit a long time ago and would not be writing this letter now. You are the girl that I lost my virginity to, the girl that tried to get into my shell, and the girl that made me realize that I wasn’t happy about the way I was living my life (even if I didn’t consciously know it). I have feelings for you that I doubt will ever go away.

This does not mean, however, that I will be there for you anymore. Throughout our history, you have always missed me, and been attracted to me and wanted to talk to me when I was not available. When I have presented myself to you and been available, you suddenly didn’t feel the same way. I don’t know whether it becomes boring, or you just realize it’s not what you want but for some reason, you always hesitate when it comes to actually going anywhere further than what we are.

Each time it falls apart, I replay things in my head and always find a way to rationalize why you have said no and find things I should have done differently. The fact is though, I have my flaws and haven’t always done or said things the way I wish I had, but I am still the one who has been wanting more and you have kept only letting it get to a certain point. Until now I have always threatened to walk away but have always ended up letting you back in a short time later.

I think the only way for you to truly respect me at this point is to actually lose me for real and for you not to have me there when you feel like texting me. Even if you wanted to, and whether it’s conscious or not, you can’t respect me because I have never actually gone through with walking away. It’s just human nature. I am the same. I never truly realized the way I felt about you until I saw you with another guy because suddenly, you weren’t there anymore. Drunk emails and text messages are not going to make me change my opinion.

And so you and I — we, if you can call it that — are very confusing and I still have not come to any solid conclusion about it. The way I feel about it still changes from day to day. I guess at this point we are going to both have to continue to try and work on ourselves and find out who we are as people and if we meet later, then maybe we can give it a fresh start. If we don’t, then I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I read a quote online that the right person at the wrong time still ends up wrong. I have never connected to another person or felt as good with another person as I have at times with you. In some ways, I really think you are the girl version of me. We are also very different in some ways too and some of the things you have done still don’t make sense to me at all.