I Love This World Too Much To Have Someday Be Today

I don’t fear the idea of loving you. I don’t fear the idea of being in love with you. I don’t fear the idea of embracing love with you. What I fear, has nothing to do with you.

The concept of love seems simple enough — yet, everyone has their own vision, their own story, their own definition of what love is; what love has the potential to be. Everyone has their own vision, their own story, their own reasoning behind how and why they love, which makes the journey to find or understand it all the more complex.

I, personally, experience and express love in two ways; physical touch and words of affirmation — my emotions and belief in love develops and comes full circle when both are in alignment with one another. Through experience, time, and trial & error, my heart has been changed. It’s been broken and abused; it’s been confused and rejected; it’s been saved and healed. But even so, I’ve managed to find real, honest love in something greater than just another human. I’ve managed to find more love than I could have ever imagined possible in this unexpected, challenging, crazy, yet awfully beautiful life.

And that’s the way I like it—so no, I don’t fear the idea of loving you. What I fear is loving this world that keeps me on my toes too much. Too much to allow my heart to share it with you, just yet.

What I fear, is the inability to fully and completely love you the way you deserve; having volumes of genuine love to give, but not being able to fully and completely give it all.

A delicate, fragile heart is set up for some pretty monumental ups and downs, along with some confusing and life-altering realizations. And then all of a sudden, life happens; you pick up the broken pieces, put them back together, and manage to find your way despite the fears, doubts, and unanswered prayers.

You learn to fight your own battles; fight the right battles. You learn to stand tall and take in all life has to offer, in the most unexpected ways. You learn to retaliate against all no’s, doubts, and disbelievers to prove your place in this world — to fight back in every aspect of life. You discover a passion for the unknown, the challenging, the inspiring, and the ever-changing.

So no, I don’t fear the idea of loving you. What I fear is loving this world that keeps me on my toes too much. Too much to allow my heart to share it with you, just yet.  

What I fear, is loving the adrenaline that comes with chasing a new obstacle too much to let you be apart of it.

I love new. I love exciting. I love challenging. I love pushing my limits. 

I love buying a plane ticket and taking off to Neverland without having an agenda or any sense of direction; what I’m doing; where I’m going; who I’ll meet.

I love having conversations with strangers and learning about new cultures; talking through varying ways and walks of life.

I’m a planner; I plan for the expected as well as the anticipated unexpected, but I’ve come to love and appreciate taking life as it comes and figuring it out along the way, on my own.

So no, I don’t fear the idea of loving you. What I fear is loving this world that keeps me on my toes too much. Too much to allow my heart to share it with you, just yet.

What I fear is knowing that I don’t need you.

Being vulnerable isn’t hard for me — it’s the easiest thing in the world for me, to be quite frank. But love, well, that’s a different story. When your heart finds love in something unforeseen; i.e life, it becomes second nature to retract and shy away from any situation that could lead to a broken spirit; a broken, bruised heart.

I lean on me, myself, and I; I’m my own QB. Taking risks and chances on anything and everything that comes my way out of retaliation; proving to myself and the world around me that I can and will do it all on my own.

Someday, at some point in time, I will be ready to let you in. Because at that point, there isn’t going to be a way to avoid it. There isn’t a scientific equation or strategy for falling in love and falling hard. There’s no timeline, no initiation fee, no prerequisites. It just happens. But, today is not that day. I’m not ready to share this spontaneous, always-changing, chaotic, yet awfully beautiful life.

So no, I don’t fear the idea of loving you. What I fear is loving this world that keeps me on my toes too much. Too much to allow my heart to share it with you, just yet.