This Is Why I’m Terrified Of Loving You

My best friend’s boyfriend summed up four years of togetherness into one sentence ‘I can’t do this anymore’ and left her with a hole in her chest. It was so unexpected that words failed her and she swallowed the storm of emotions threatening to come out. Quietly she threw away two years’ worth of memories along with paper cut outs of wedding gowns she had secretly saved.

She was silent for a long time after that and even now some part of her heart is irreparably cracked and her hands still tremble over her coffee cup every time she hears his name.

My brother’s girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend. When it happened he was so angry he turned his room into crime scene breaking everything in his sight. Maybe he wanted the room to resemble what it felt like inside him.

How do you survive losing two of the most important people in your life simultaneously?

How do you learn to say the word trust again without biting your tongue till it bleeds?

My aunt divorced my uncle five years ago and now her days are consumed by her work and by the time she comes home she is exhausted and she just sleeps. She ensures that there is no time for thoughts or feelings in her day. But every once in a while in a crowded family gathering I see her perfectly programmed smile fail and the face of a haunted woman unveils itself.

Last year my friend’s boyfriend decided that he would rather break up with my friend than tell his parents he’s gay. My friend told me with trembling lips,

“It’s okay. It’s not his fault. I know it’s a difficult thing to do. Maybe I asked for too much”

He hasn’t slept in days and his eyes are always vacant.

“I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to be a normal functional human being.”

How do I learn again?

And why do I feel like something is swallowing me from inside?’ He asks me, his words laced in desperation.
So you see it’s not that I don’t want to say those three words that are on the tip of my tongue. It’s just that I’m terrified of what comes with those words.

I’m terrified that one day you’ll be gone and I’ll spend the rest of my life carrying a decaying heart in my chest that shatters every time I hear your name.

It’s not that I don’t love you, in fact, it’s quite the opposite.