This Is Healing

This here.

This is healing.

This is the healing we’ve been waiting for. This isn’t the pain and sadness and self-pity. This is the part where we realize we are worth it and that we are valid. This is the gold at the end of the rainbow. This is where the pain gives back to us. And we realize that we’re okay. And we’re going to be okay.

And It’s not because of the boy. The boy is the icing on the cake. But I moved into this apartment and set my list of intentions before I even knew the boy. So we were doing it anyway. We were getting here. The boy is nice, but if the boy doesn’t stay, we will be okay.

Because we have been before. And this boy is teaching us something new. Teaching us that sometimes the wait is worth it. He’s teaching us that we don’t have to settle. And we don’t have to do what everybody else does. And that our value is more than what people see on the outside. He’s teaching us that some people see the magic inside of us. And that’s not just something that our therapist tells us to make us feel better, but it’s actually a legitimate saying. That the right people will see our hearts and our souls. And that’s not a waste of time. And that’s not a relationship that will be regretted. And there are no red flags. And I’ve never seen a green flag before, but they exist.

This is the part we’ve been waiting for. The past two years of healing and beyond were brutal. And it hurt. But we’re not really hurting anymore. And the doctors said it was impossible to do without medication. But fuck that. Fuck all of that, because here I am, genuinely the happiest I’ve ever been. I know that I have a long way to go, but I can see the light. And I’m fucking running for it. I’m not even taking careful steps, I am running full force.

I know what I want. I know what I deserve. I know what I believe in. I know who I am. I remember who I am. And I’m starting to forgive myself for everything else that ever happened. And I’m starting to realize how fucking beautiful and precious I am. It took me a long time to get here and I’m not wasting any more time. I’m not wasting any more goddamn time on anybody for any reason. We’re doing what makes us happy.

Happiness is a priority! And if my house doesn’t get clean because I’m out being happy, then that’s fine. And if some days I don’t work because I’m out being happy, that’s fine. And I am not going to fucking settle for anything else or have it any other goddamn way.

This is the healing we’ve been waiting for.

We did it.

I did it.