An Open Letter To My First Love

We didn’t work out the way I wanted us too, I wished so badly we would have a fairy-tale ending. But those don’t seem to exist, especially for you and me. Our relationship was toxic, I know that now. We started out so young and inexperienced we didn’t even get a chance to grow as separate people, we grew together. Little bits and pieces of you are now with me, our personalities are almost identical.

My first love, do you still dream of me the way I dream of you? Do you still get sick thinking of me with another? Do you sob silently to yourself after finding a belonging of mine tucked away? Do you miss me?

When I was 15, I thought you were the one. I thought I loved you then, but I seem to love you even more now. I learned to know and understand you, your likes and dislikes. Today, even though we aren’t together, I know exactly where you are headed in life. I know your family, your dreams, your friends, your favorite food. It kills me to know all this about a single person and not have them in my life.

Our favorite food spot I don’t go to anymore, there’s a constant fear inside me that somehow you will be there when I go. Our favorite music, I can’t listen to anymore. I still wear your favorite sweater; it doesn’t smell like you. I got drunk and wore it, and out of hate I spilled my favorite drink on it just so my sober self would wash it. I thought the next day the memory of you would wash away with it, instead I sat on my bedroom floor and cried. Its been months since I watched you walk away from me, and I can’t seem to get over you. I wish so badly your name would flash up on my phone.

I want to tell you about the person I am now, who I’ve become. I want to pick up my phone and call you to tell you about the bad day I had. Do you remember all the times you wiped away my tears and told me you’d never leave me? I thought when you decided to leave me, maybe just maybe, you would think of your promise. But you did leave me, you left me alone with nothing but hatred. I didn’t want to hate you, but barely 3 days out of the relationship you stopped being nice. You turned into my worst fear, the person you were before I met you. I miss you, but I cant be with you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, you broke me. You took my fragile heart into your hand and slowly over the years, you squeezed it until it burst. My first love, if you got a second chance with me would you take it? Or will you continue to treat me as though I never existed?