Friends Can Break Your Heart, Too

I saw you across the room and I wanted to say hi, but I couldn’t.

It has been eight years, but it feels so fresh. It’s funny how at one point we were inseparable, and all it took was one night to change it all. I remember when we first met. I felt we had a connection; I knew we would get along, and we did. You were there for me when I couldn’t be there for myself. You held my hand and always told me everything would be alright. We laughed at the sight of the neighbor’s funny-looking cat.

We enjoyed our regular bottles of wine — you loved red and I liked white. We never liked the same music, but we made it a point to be open to new things in life. I remember when I did not do well in this one class and you told me it wouldn’t matter in the long run. You were right — I never got into physics. I don’t know what it was, but somehow you knew me more than my own blood. I could tell you anything and you always listened.

You hated shopping, but you always came along with me. Secretly, I never liked the malls much either. I think we both enjoyed people-watching, imagining what other people’s lives were like, wondering if they were really happy or pretending to keep it together in public. We almost believed we were psychic. Of course, now I know I am not.

Life plays some cruel jokes on people sometimes. It puts you in this awkward situation where both options seem equally repulsive. That’s exactly how you made me feel. It’s cliché, but I have to say it — I did not think you would do this to me. You were my closest friend. Did you really not think of how much it would hurt me before you went home with my ‘then-love of my life’? You were like a sister, and you were my strength. We had been friends for years, but you crushed me with one little choice.

You can’t tell me “it just happened” because both of you made it happen. He was someone I had known for a year, and I could move on from that person. What hurts the most is trying to find out exactly how you could do something so awful to me. Was it not enough that I would have done anything for our friendship? I could have risked almost anything to make you smile. The next morning, I wanted to cry and I needed a friend, and you were the first person I thought of, even though you were more than half the reason behind my pain.

Sometimes I am not sure what I feel more: anger with myself for being friends with you in the first place, or the want to save the bits of our friendship that I could possibly glue back together (probably not). I hate that I miss you, and it hurts that I should hate you. I tried so hard to forget, but every time I closed my eyes, I saw it even worse.

How could you do something knowing how much it would hurt me? One instant changed my views on love and friendship for years to come. How could I trust again? It is your fault that I am still afraid to trust anyone. I am punishing the new people in my life for your mistake.

To be honest, I think the worst part is no matter how much I try, I cannot hate you because I still love you for who you used to be. If it is possible to break someone’s heart, you broke mine.

I saw you across the room and I wanted to say hi, but I will never do it.