I Will Always Choose To Save You Instead Of Me

Our world is filled with ever-growing stories of, love. 

Individuals in search of love, couples fighting to stay in love, and others yearning deeply for love.

By now, you’ve loved ‘one,’ or all the many ones.

I have, too.

Still, have you ever dared to save someone out of love?

I ask because in every new couple I meet through my career, I regularly find there’s always one person in every relationship that needs rescuing.

They each truly love one another, equally, and desire each other in different ways. However, I recognize at the beginning or peak of their romantic journey, there’s the one that needed saving, and the other that came to the rescue.

What a perfect phenomenon.

Through my whole life, I have always been the ‘savior’ in my romantic relationships.

And every time, they come as worn and ruined, as they come irresistible.

My romantic potentials seem to go through a long journey of pain before meeting me, and I find myself in the advantage point to piece them back together.

At least, to the best of my ability.

Every potential comes with different shades of fucked-up, but the major commonalities they share is being as cautious as an old-fostered dog, insecure as an Instagram model, and built thicker walls than the seventh world wonder, The Great Wall of China.

Also, tell me why they all have a mission to be greater than their dad?

Anyway.

For years, I analyzed, experimented and studied the patterns of my damaged lovers, and discovered the logic of why I attract them into my life.

I’m an addict of problem-solving.

I’ve saved couples from calling off their weddings just days before the day, a fuck-boy going through a recent breakup, consulting friends with daddy-issues, entrepreneurs with failing plans, and even fostered an abused pup named, Torrie.

Saving others fuel me with value, and each time I do, I’m a step closer to my purpose.

However, from time to time, I’ll lie in bed and with my eyes wide open, I’ll begin to visualize the difference between being loved by someone of stability or loving someone of pure chaos.

The answer seems obvious, doesn’t it? To choose the person of emotional stability, and let yourself be saved, for once, right?

Wrong.

I don’t want someone that has it all together — I want to build a ‘together,’ with someone. I don’t need him to share his financial security – I’m making my own, and yes, although I’m manic with multiple shades of personalities, I’m also the most secure person that I know — I don’t need someone to tell me otherwise.

What I want is bad shit, crazy.

The magical formula of logic and toxically emotional, crazy. The smiles through my tears, heart in fireworks, and to be woken up at 3:00 am to find me deep-throating him, crazy.

I want the one that’ll drive me insane, enough, to write a whole novel just about him, the one that’ll hang me on the edge of my sanity, the one I can share my crazy world with.

So as I scribe this article overlooking the twinkling lights of the Los Angeles city, I’ve never felt more sure of all the reasons I’d save him, over me.

He’s the most beautiful chaos I’ve ever craved.

I covet his tears to fill the room when he’s down, become ‘one’ with his spontaneous rage, meditate on his spiritual journey and submit my body to fulfill his ever growing fantasies.

He’s the chaos worth my rescuing, here’s why:

When you’re hurting, I’m suffering.

We couldn’t be more physically and emotionally apart, and yet, it was as if an alarm rang when I felt him, off.

I could unquestionably feel his pain and doubts through the vibrations of our attached energies. Feeling his down-emotions through my phone screen, I yearned to be there — sitting in the passenger seat, holding his hand while I looked fixedly at the shadows of the dark trees hovering his car, while he wanders into the deep oceans of his mind.

We hadn’t spoken in months, but my instinct of his disconnected-self put me in suffering, and the only way to stop the agony was to come to his rescue.

You deserve to know why you’re worth it all.

There aren’t enough words to describe his perfections — not in this lifetime.

Cliché, right?

Fuck it. It’s my conviction.

He’s timelessly desirable, and aside from the obvious physical attraction, I fall in love with his strong morals, values and modern beliefs. The foundation of his principles are genuine, passionate, and his own.

He’ll re-educate himself from the milestones of his past failures and build the perfect new perspectives to guide him into his greater future.

There’s a universe inside of him that connects with mine, and the power of ‘us’ vibrates the world to be a greater place for all of you.

And that much perfection of a man deserves to know why he’s worth fighting for. The perfect part of it all is that I’ll be the ‘one’ to tell him what he should have known about himself his whole life, for the very first time. Showing him that his chaos fused with mine is what built this perfectly mess of a world we keep finding ourselves running back to.

Your success is, mine. 

More than conversing about, life; we observe it, together.

His visions, my dreams — our future.

We’ll visualize the future of our independent dreams, planning our independent passions, and plant the seeds to the success of our interdependent lives.

I’ll be his journal when he’s expressing his definition of success, and just as his thoughts become one with his notes, I become ‘one’ with his dreams. His desires are mine, and as we journey to create the fruition of his dreams, I’ll be by his side celebrating our success.

You keep my light on.

There’s a fire inside, both, him and I that we always reference to. He tells me that I have a fire inside of me — a perfect passion.

And just like real fire can’t stay lit without the right amount of shelter, a long wick, and an endless sphere of oxygen — the fire in me refuses to stay on long without his love, energy, and timeless friendship.

Starting a relationship is simple; it’s keeping it that’s the biggest challenge.

And through our time apart, and back together, he’s always found a way to keep the light on inside me. It’s realizations like this one, that make me wonder who’s really doing the saving, him, or I?

By saving you, I’m really saving myself.

He’s the most powerful choice in my world; to care about someone deeper than myself, to love knowing all the risks, and to hold his happiness, pain, failures, and success before my own.

He is love. 

And to save him is to save myself.

His self-destruction habits, wild instability, and unpredictable chaos is all I need to believe in unconditional love. I find solutions to free him from the pain of his past, nurture his emotional challenges, and compel him to reach his fullest potential, and all of it keeps me fighting for someone I believe in.

I save him because, without him, I lose the only understanding of what it means to love without conditions. Keeping my light of passion burning within, merging his and my success, telling him he’s worth every chance, and finally, holding his hand in the passenger seat of his car, bringing him back to us, to now. 

To love, and let love in, is the success of any deserving partnership. And rescuing someone you love while they’re temporarily damaged doesn’t mean you love them more, nor does it mean you’ll spend the rest of your life doing all the saving.

In every romantic journey, there comes a time when one needs to be slowly, quietly, and carefully guided into a new universe of possibilities with you.

A space where you’re in the flawless balance of both, saving, and being saved…

…the perfect universe.

Now, I dare you to go save someone, you love.