Sometimes You Still Break My Heart

There was a time when I cursed at the sun every morning — for its audacity to shine brightly when it felt like my world was the darkest and gloomiest place in the universe.

There was a time when I felt like I was drowning and there was no will at all to break through the surface — when I felt like it was just better to sink to the bottom.

There was a time when I could barely contain the tears in my eyes whenever I saw something that reminded me of you – and especially of the fact that you’re gone.

But I’ve gotten so much better than I used to be.

I could go for days, weeks, and even months without you crossing my mind at all.

I am at a point when I no longer just go through the motions of the day. Instead, I try to live in every moment of every single day.

I have finally taken the very advice I used to give to you: to not just be alive but to really live.

Yes, there are still times that I get sidetracked by the sadness of the past or the worries of the future. But I’ve learned how to deal. I’ve learned how to bring myself back to what matters the most — the present.

So yes, I’ve gotten so much better than I used to be.

I’m in a place where I could hum songs under my breath, or even sing out loud. I could laugh at silly things, drop corny jokes, or even just smile at random people.

But there are just those tiny moments that still unearth the feelings I have deeply buried; moments that still remind me of the pain of letting you go and of the emptiness that followed.

It could just be an old song playing on the radio – a song that you never really hear anymore but for some reason was just playing that day. I would close my eyes and for the entire 4 minutes and 30 seconds, I would allow myself to remember you picking that exact song to sing during karaoke night. I would allow myself to recall you elbowing me slightly just to get me to sing with you. I would then recall the silent moment right after when we just looked at each other and smiled.

It could just be me running low on typewriter ribbon, me needing to buy them from a store, and remembering how you used to make fun of the fact that I still use one. I would laugh at how you could barely contain the smirk on your face when you said, “One word. Backspace.”

Or it could just be people I haven’t seen in years come up to me, ask how you are, or just recall the fact that the last time they saw me was when you were still here, talking with your coffee and cigarettes.

It could be just a lone star in the night sky, making me wonder if you still look up the night sky and remember me.

Or it could just be the way the first rays of the sun hit the coffee shop we frequented during my early morning walk to work – how the yellow, orange, pink, and the blue come together so beautifully. Then at that moment, looking at the blended hues, I would be transported to that morning when you smiled at me, coffee in hand, telling me you made it the way I loved it – with milk and a drizzle of brown sugar. You never got it right, but I swear I loved it that you tried to.

Those are the moments that still break my heart. Those are the moments when even after all these years, after everything that happened in between, you still break my heart.

Those are the only moments I allow myself to think of you — the only moments I allow you to still break my heart.

Then I get on with my life without you – with coffee in hand, humming to the very tune we sang that night, walking every morning with the beautifully-blended colors in the background.