The (Unofficial) Itinerary For Sex With Rihanna

7:11 p.m. 

Rihanna decides to have sex with you.

7:11:01 p.m. 

ENTHUSIASTIC consent.

7:13 p.m. 

Rihanna tells you to calm down, and calls up her lawyer. There’s some paperwork involved.

7:46 p.m. 

Rihanna’s lawyer shows up with the paperwork. It’s really just a single legal stipulation requiring you to agree to introduce yourself to any people you don’t already know by first announcing that “You’ve had sex with Rihanna,” even before telling them your name. There’s also a strict itinerary that needs to be followed. Rihanna is very punctual.

7:47 p.m.

You sign the papers. The lawyer leaves.

7:55 p.m.

Rihanna’s thirsty. She asks if you want some Dom. You think you hear her singing “Pour it up, pour it up” under her breath. You down as much as you can before the official itinerary begins promptly at 8.

8:00 p.m.

Rihanna does a strip tease to “Desperado.”

8:20 p.m.

Rihanna crawls around on the floor while “Birthday Cake” plays in the background. This would be extremely awkward if anyone else tried it, but it’s Rihanna, so somehow it works. You’d really like to interrupt and ask her why this song couldn’t have been longer than a minute and eighteen seconds, but you don’t.

8:21:18 p.m.

Rihanna growls at you. It is terrifying.

8:30 p.m.

Sex.

8:52 p.m.

It’s your turn. Rihanna tells you you need to “work, work, work, work, work.” Rihanna pauses to share an anecdote about how insecure Drake is about his eyebrows. You start to tell her about how you were at his concert once, and he stopped performing to talk about just that, but she tells you there is no time for your stories on the itinerary.

9:00 p.m.

Rihanna walks you through a detailed list of what she’d like you to do. Actually she’s just singing “Cockiness.” You are basically getting a free concert out of this.

9:05 p.m.

More sex.

9:30 p.m.

Rihanna tries to bite your head off like a praying mantis, but you duck out of the way just in time.

9:32 p.m.

Rihanna is surprised you survived the entire evening with her. That was the end of the official itinerary, but she lets you stick around to listen to her sing “Love On The Brain” and give you a play-by-play of her relationship with Chris Brown. It’s a long story. You leave to get some popcorn at intermission.

10:40 p.m.

Rihanna is now visibly upset, so you try and console her, and ask her what will make her feel better.

10:41 p.m.

BLUNTS. BLUNTS. BLUNTS. BLUNTS.

11:12 p.m.

Rihanna is now impaired enough to not care if you sing along, and you both belt out “Higher” but she still wants to talk about Chris Brown.

11:14 p.m.

You help Rihanna compose a drunk text to Drake instead.

11:15 p.m.

You convince Rihanna to teach you how to dance so she’s not dwelling on the past. Your body cannot handle anything from the “Work” music video, even though it’s your favorite, so she teaches you to dance on a wall like Shakira from “Can’t Remember To Forget You.”

11:55 p.m.

Rihanna hands you a concert merch T-shirt that says, you guessed it, “Sex With Me” as a souvenir.

12:00 a.m.

You leave because it’s Rihanna’s bed time. It’s surprisingly early, but she is a hard working bitch, and sleep is an important part of being a functioning adult…