A Guide To Being An Inappropriate Drunk

While a Responsible Adult is pretty much in the habit of ‘holding it together’ when having a few drinks with friends, lord knows we’ve all overcommitted to having a good time. We’ve had a shitty week, we haven’t been out in a while, and we’ve preemptively decided we’re going to get shithoused. Then we Take It Too Far, we have six too many, and it’s then that we have to drive it home – really make our inebriation count. Here are some of the ways you can be an Inappropriate Drunk.

Talk excessively about your body. It doesn’t matter if your tone is positive or negative; talking about your body to a group of acquaintances is a surefire way to make everyone around you uncomfortable. Every time someone takes a photo of you on their iPhone, snatch it out of their hand to examine and comment on How Fat You Are. Note the uneasy expression on your friend’s face. Continue to lambast yourself as your company tries to figure out whether you’re joking or not. I mean sure, you’ve put on a few pounds, but it’s not like anyone was going to terminate a friendship over it. Conversely, you could lay half-conscious in a driveway petting yourself and exclaiming, “My legs are soooooooo hot” over and over again; follow it up with crippling embarrassment when your friends recount your catchphrase of choice the next morning (and multiple times in years to come, trust me, you will never live this down).

Start a fight with a stranger. Fighting with people you know is amateur hour – it’s what you do when you’ve had a few glasses of wine. You’re on a different level (it’s a lower level, to be sure, but a different one nonetheless). You need to find a stranger to unleash your inner Naomi Campbell on. Make friends with some sweetheart waif at the bar and wait for someone to bodycheck them, which will inevitably happen, because they’re just too sweet and waifish to not get messed with. When it does happen, wait five minutes and then walk by your mark with a resolve to give them their comeuppance.  Ram your shoulder into them and maybe a bit of your elbow, too, then turn around and give them your best, “What now?” face. They’ll look back at you with this kind of horrified expression, one that says, “I want to murder you right now but you’re bat shit insane so…?” Don’t flinch. Say, “What. I said excuse me,” then laugh obnoxiously at the end of some joke that wasn’t meant for you. If they attempt to pursue the conflict, cause a scene that’ll get you kicked out of the bar as to avoid an actual physical altercation.

Confess your love for someone. Make sure the object of your affection is within earshot (preferably standing next to their partner). Corner their best friend and lower your voice to a very audible whisper, “I don’t know what to do… I just… I have to tell her how I feel…” Stand much too close to the friend; breathe on her. The friend will try to discourage you, she’ll say things like, “But so-and-so is engaged… I… where is this coming from?” But she’s only saying that because she wants you, you know? She’s just jealous. Sleep with the friend that night because it’s as close as you’re going to get to banging your one true love. Accidentally start dating the friend, do that for a year, and when you’re her plus one for the wedding, repeat.

Abuse your technological resources. Despite being glued to it 18 hours a day, forget how to use your phone. Send a five-word sentence in six separate text messages. “Where” “Is “Tac” “O” “Bell” “Agnai,” just like that. Retweet ~14 tweets that you haven’t even read. Logon to Facebook and comment on 78% of your tagged photos, even the ones that date back to your junior year of college. Leave the same comment on every picture, “This is still my fav pic OMG remember this picture this was so funny LOL miss u.” Earnestly respond to every OkCupid message in your inbox. Decide you need meatballs delivered to your house and spend forty minutes on Seamless Web until you realize that a) everything is closed or b) you don’t know how to use Seamless Web. Write something really intimate and post it to Tumblr; delete it if it doesn’t get hearted within five minutes. E-stalk your ex until you’re worked up enough to cry yourself to sleep.

Lose something important. Misplace your keys, cell phone, purse, or jacket. Stalk around, demanding information from everyone at the bar. “HAVE YOU SEEN MY WALLET? BUT I ASKED YOU TO HOLD IT,” and the bartender will look at you like the sad mess that you are and say, “Listen sweetie, I appreciate that you’re freaking out right now, but I would never agree to watch your wallet for you. I don’t even know you. Just… where are your friends? Maybe they can help you,” and it’s at this point that you realize you’ve lost your friends, too, you’re just a big loser, so you find a corner and you sit in it, moping and grimacing and bobbing your knee until your friend finds you and asks what your problem is, and you decide to take out your frustrations on them like the loser you are, screaming, “I LOST MY GODDAMN WALLET WITH LIKE MY WHOLE SHITTY LIFE IN IT MY LIFE IS OVER,” and your friend is like, “I have your wallet in my bag. You asked me to hold it like, ten minutes ago.” Sheepishly ask if you can have it back and slip out of the nearest exit.