29 Problems I Should Definitely Not Still Be Having At Age 29

Holy fuck, I feel old. I am 29, but I don’t feel a day over 24, physically or mentally. I’m at that age where I’m kicking the hinges off of 30′s door, and not really happy about it. I’ve had some fantastic life experiences, I’ve done some shit that most can’t even fathom, and I’ve had a fucking blast in my 20′s. I got in trouble, I got in fights, I got arrested, I got laid, and I learned from all of it.

That being said, I’m nowhere near where I should be. I should be more established in a career. I should be married, engaged, or have a solid, long-term girlfriend at the least. None of these are applicable to my existence. I have a habit of drinking too much, sleeping around, and stumbling my way through careers as I struggle to work on my real passion(s), writing and music.

I find that as much as I may have grown and matured over the last decade, I still make some of the same mistakes that I did in my early 20′s, at the age when I couldn’t find my way to my asshole with a flashlight and a compass. I may be just as lost now as I was then, just in a different manner.

After some uncomfortable self­-reflection, and a drunken night of contemplation, here are 29 problems you still face at the age of 29..that you probably should have outgrown.

1. I hate grocery shopping, and I only cook actual meals when there’s a girl to impress.

This one is pretty typical with guys of all ages, but it’s still an issue. I should be doing sufficient grocery shopping, planning out meals, eating in a more healthy fashion, and not just getting quick­-to-­prep meals and random odds and ends once a week. I eat like a poor college student at least 2 nights out of every week.

2. My savings account has $1.36 in it.

By the time you’re almost 30, you should have something to fall back on, so you’re not living paycheck to paycheck. I failed miserably at that. I live beyond my means, I invest too much into my passions, and I spend too much enjoying my nights out. When many of my friends are at home with their significant others, transferring money into their savings and spending a quiet night inside with a movie…I’m taking money from savings in order to spend it recklessly on a ridiculously high bar tab. Buying a house? Hahaha, I can barely afford house whiskey.

3. I don’t feel ready to settle down.

This one bothers me on an emotional level. I don’t know too many people who are single at my age, and act almost indifferent about it. Now, coming from a logical perspective, I know I need to settle down. I won’t lower my personal standards to do so though. I also have A LOT of fun flirting with girls, having random hook ups, and not having anyone to answer to. This is a double edged sword really, as the loneliness can suck but the freedom is awesome.

4. I still haven’t learned to drink responsibly.

I don’t think this is too much of a problem, until I see the other almost-­30-year-old’s who can go out, have a few, leave at midnight, and still remember the night. My nights end when the ugly lights come on and I can’t possibly spend another dollar on my tab. I’ve actually had to close out and reopen my tab twice in a night because it got so high they didn’t think I would pay it. It’s like they’ve known me my whole life…At least in my defense, some of the best memories stem from reckless debauchery, browned out memories, and spending time in the morning by my porcelain friend. If I wake up and find my keys, wallet, and cell phone…I consider the night to be successful. I go out so often that that’s become the standard by which I judge things. If I hooked up with someone, even better.

5. I don’t understand how to dress like an adult.

I see coworkers who are in khakis, sweater vests, casual dress shoes, who look like the true definition of a professional. I have jeans, a comfortable t­shirt, a pair of old work boots, and bloodshot eyes. I’m not doing the whole “being an adult” thing very well at all.

6. I still drive till my gas light comes on.

This goes right along with how much is in my checking account and my lack of responsibility. How hard is it to make sure you have a quarter to a half tank in your vehicle at almost all times? For me, impossible.

7. I don’t think before I speak.

This has always been a flaw, it’s like a perpetual Tourette’s disorder. I can’t help my random vocalizations, which usually include profanity and some misogynistic comment that I don’t really mean.

8. I’m completely unorganized.

This one sucks. I can never find anything, every room is messy, my truck is like a black hole, and I lose important stuff on a weekly basis. How the fuck am I supposed to do taxes when I can’t find my W­2 forms…or my drivers license? How the fuck am I supposed to go on vacation when my passport has been missing for like 9 months, surrounded by the other items that mysteriously vanish to the land of no return. In other words, how the fuck am I supposed to be an adult?

9. I’m late for everything.

It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or where I’m going, I will be late. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, at this point I just accept it.

10. The thought of parenthood frightens me.

You mean to tell me I should one day be responsible for the life of another human being? I can barely remember to feed myself. Plus, let’s look at my track record. With my karma, if I have a boy he’s going to be a rebellious dipshit and if I have a girl she’s going to be a wretched whore. This is what I have coming to me. The only benefit I can see is when they’re old enough to do the dishes…but I don’t know if I could parent well enough to get them to that age. I should be neutered.

11. I know teenagers who are more mature than I am.

This is fucked up. I know teenagers who swear less, save more money, act more respectfully, and are just better human beings than I am. It’s shit like this that makes me question my life choices.

12. I’m still not entirely positive how to do laundry.

Don’t fucking judge me. I hate laundry. I know the basic stuff; I was able to do loads in my old apartment building. The washer had like 2 buttons, the dryer had like 2 buttons. You start fucking with shit like permanent press or delicate loads though, and I am completely lost. The sad part is, I don’t want to learn. I need to make sure the next girl I date is great at washing and folding clothes. I can pay her back with cunnilingus.

13. I have more dream than drive.

I want to accomplish so much, but the amount of effort I need to put forth is daunting. I’ll do it, begrudgingly of course, but I would much rather be smoking a joint and watching a movie.

14. I feel like I’m in some sort of “age purgatory”.

Old enough to know better, young enough to not care? Yea, I could have gotten away with that in my early to mid 20′s for sure, but when you’re almost 30 and live like a frat boy (and don’t see the issue with it) people don’t buy into that line anymore.

15. I get all my news from Facebook.

Watch the news? Fuck that, I’m watching “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” or “Shameless”. I wouldn’t even know what channel to watch? Fox? NBC? CNN? That shit is confusing.

16. I forget to pay my bills on time.

I never really knew how fucking impatient people were until I started paying my own bills. Apparently these companies can’t wait a couple extra days for me to pay the minimum balance due, so they tack on more charges which, in turn, makes me pay it even later. It’s a vicious cycle.

17. I still think with my dick.

Actually, fuck this one. This shit probably doesn’t ever change for guys. And it’s only a problem if I’m not getting laid.

18. I never outgrew juvenile humor.

A good fart joke or a crude comedy? Yes please. Just let me smoke this joint first and grab a bag of chips.

19. I can’t deal with my problems like an adult.

Rational thinking and logic? Nope. Talking it out and realizing how to approach a situation in a healthy manner? That’s laughable. It’s way easier to drink it away, and usually way more fun. At least it’s cheaper than therapy.

20. I cannot tie my own tie.

I don’t wear them, but on the rare occasion I don’t have a choice…I’m clueless. I can tie my shoelaces, I can tie a girl up for some fun kinky sex, but I can not tie a windsor knot or whatever the fuck it is to save my life. Am I too old for clip on’s?

21. I find it incredibly difficult to fall asleep before 1 in the morning.

This wouldn’t be such an issue if I didn’t work at a place that required me to get up at 6:30 everyday. Add this to the fact that I’ll still go out during the week at times and have a few, plus I have NEVER been a morning person. It’s a fucking disaster.

22. I misplace my keys/wallet/cellphone at least once a month.

This one is a bitch; I thought it would be something I would have really gotten better with by now. Probably goes hand in hand with the irresponsible drinking but let’s not get into that.

23. I never outgrew my champagne taste, and still make beer money.

When you’re in your early 20′s, there’s no such thing as budgeting or living within your means. You get money, you spend money, you complain about being broke for a few days, rinse and repeat. This goes on for years, buying the stuff you want and not really thinking about what you can actually afford comfortably without raping your checking account. I still do this shit. Because I am a moron.

24. I can tell you more about Kanye West than I can about anyone who is running for President.

I feel like I should probably pay more attention to the people who could potentially be running the country in which I live. Or, at least, the puppet that’s used by whoever is really in charge. Either way, I don’t know shit. I read things on occasion, and have an idea of who I’d vote for, only because of a couple of issues that pertain to me (Legalized Marijuana mostly). On the other hand, I can tell you what song Kanye wrote for what album, can quote some of his best lyrics, and explain the uncharted depth that he has that is lost on an average consumer. He’s just an example, I can do the same thing with Jay­Z, Eminem, B.I.G, etc. This is probably not how it should be.

25. I actually believe Pizza is the perfect food group.

Honestly, who can argue this? Let’s look at the macro nutrients; If you get sausage on there you have a good balance of protein, fat, and carbs! I don’t give a flying fuck about gluten or the glycemic index, I just want this shit to taste good.

26. I still think it’s cool to be obnoxious.

I don’t even know why this is a problem, but I was told it is. I don’t see why the fuck age should factor into whether or not I get really drunk, yell obscenities, bump into tables, insult strangers, and end up in front of a toilet. Maybe I didn’t get the chance to get it all out of my system when I was younger. Maybe I’m just an asshole.

27. I don’t consider myself a “grown­up”.

Well, fuck. When I’m being honest with myself, I’m more like a man­child than anything. Read above for proof of this.

28. I’d rather go to a college party than a cocktail party.

They’re both going to serve booze, but one I can show up in a t­shirt and jeans, do keg stands, and find girls who still think the ability to pound alcohol is cool. I don’t even drink fucking cocktails.

29. I didn’t even consider any of these to be problems.

For the most part, I still don’t. I don’t need to pretend to be anything I’m not, and I have the rest of my fucking life to act more mature. I like the drum beat that I march to, even if I’m marching alone. So, for anyone else getting up there in their 20′s, take this into consideration; If I didn’t exude youth, I would pretty much consider myself middle aged. And if you judge me for this article, you may be eligible for medicare.