Growing up a woman sex is always a little dirtier than it should be. Masturbation is always a little more hush hush than it should be. Most people are never going to congratulate me on my conquests like they will with my male friends. If I make out with two different guys in one weekend, even while single, it will be considered “slutty.”

The idea of sexual equality, woman not just enjoying an orgasm but deserving an orgasm, is something our society is barely accepting. Which is a shame because a lot of ladies have been missing out on some well-deserved “toe curling” orgasms.

And as much as it pains me to write this, it was my terrible no good very bad ex who made me realize the extent of this. This man might have done a lot of things that could warrant his picture in the “Worst Boyfriend Hall of Fame” – including have a secret fiancé throughout our relationship – but the man knew at the very least how to please me.

It wasn’t just that he was sexually experienced, and aware of where to touch that make me instantly turned on (although this did help!) What was so different about him was his consistency in taking away the stigma and awkwardness that sometimes women find themselves facing even in a room with just their partner.

I had always considered myself comfortable with my body. I had never had sex before starting a relationship with him in my early twenties but I had enough other experiences to know what I liked and what I didn’t like. I thought I was able to speak up and ask for what I wanted in bed, assured enough in my desires. Even if I could never fully get there by myself I still thought that I was the prototype of a confident woman, as confident as you can be when you are a 21 year old female. Turns out I was stifling myself without even realizing it.

The men who I had been with and hooked up with before were attentive and great, most unselfish in the bedroom, but never like this ex of mine did they really make it a point to leave their egos aside and focus solely on me. We were both back then, without even realizing it, buying into the script that their own orgasm was the target goal – the endgame so to speak.

But it was this particular man, my ex, who said to me “lay down, relax, we are going to make this happen.”

See I had simply accepted that I was one of those women that would never be able to get off on anything besides sex, perhaps that I would never be able to get off at all. I had tried and tried and didn’t want to bother worrying about it. I figured (1) I didn’t want to make the other person feel bad that they could not fully satisfy me the way they wanted and (2) At the end of the day it didn’t matter because I was still being satisfied in some way.

I was wrong. I was so very wrong.

I could expect it all and should expect it all, but that meant going against what I had told myself in my head, and what I know too many women think when they are laying there in the moment taking themselves out of the moment – a constant loop of “this is taking too long, what if I still can’t, what if I feel like I need to pee?”

What I needed and received from my ex was the reassurance from someone else to take all the time I wanted. I found someone who encouraged in me to have a level of entitlement towards orgasms that most men have. I found someone to make me think about the times that I asked men “what do you want? How I can make this better?” after they seemed like they might be having a difficult time getting there. What I found was a realization I should be asked those same questions in return.

He brought upon a new more empowering side of me that is not nervous about feeling that good again but wants to feel that good again and knows exactly where to place a man’s hands on me to get what I crave. More than anything he made me see that I will always treat myself the way I would treat someone in my bed I care about. And if this intimidates a guy or he doesn’t seem listen to what I want it’s as good an excuse as any to brush him to the side.

So thank you to my ex, you did ONE thing right.