Dating Website Tactics That Need To Be Retired

Using the line “I just want to give you fair warning that I’ve already married and divorced you in my mind.”

While this seems like a really healthy way to react when you’ve enjoyed someone’s profile, I’m fairly certain this line never works. It’s not that it’s inherently unfunny; I probably snickered the first time it was used on me. The first time. The fortieth time, I realized it’s not original enough to mean anything. It also strikes me as extraordinarily presumptuous and pessimistic. “Let’s joke about divorce, I’ve only spent the past sixteen years in therapy because of one! Divorces are so L-O-L FUNNY! Can we joke about my eating disorder next?”

Looking like a different person in every picture

Did you take all of your profile pictures in a boardwalk Fun House? It takes a special talent to look so drastically different in every photo. How can you look at 10 pictures of someone and still be unsure of what they look like? You make me feel like I’m hallucinating. You’re just as bad as One Picture Guy and Old Picture Guy (“This picture is from 2002, it’s the only one I have. I know, right?!”). Please join the rest of us in the 21st Century, where gratuitous pictures of ourselves are superfluous.

Rapid fire Instant Messaging

The1UNever4get (3:45 PM): hey
The1UNever4get (3:45 PM): how’s ur day going?
The1UNever4get (3:46 PM): ………
The1UNever4get (3:46 PM): guess u don’t want to chat?
The1UNever4get (3:46 PM): sucks for me…….
The1UNever4get (3:47 PM): well send me a msg sometime if ur interested
The1UNever4get (3:47 PM): talk to u soon i hope!

GTFO.

Referencing the fact that you’re on a dating website in your profile

“I’m really good at writing dating website profiles.”
“I’m embarrassed to be on a dating website.”
“My friends made me sign up for this dating website.”

Babe, we’re all on a dating website. We know. Talking about the fact that you’re on a dating website is a waste of characters – it says nothing about you other than the fact that your middle name is potentially Captain Obvious. This isn’t some Zack Morris “time out” moment where you need to continuously break the fourth wall and bring us up to speed, ala “TIME OUT! Can you guys believe that someone like MOI is here, on a dating website? I mean, the internet! It’s CaAaRrRaAaZzZyY!” No. It’s not crazy. It’s 2011.

Using their/ there/ they’re as a barometer of whether or not you will date someone

It’s (sort of) okay to be a Grammar Nazi – but are we so strapped for grammatical errors that we have to continuously refer back to the same tired example of English abuse? “It’s like, I could NEVER date someone who doesn’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re! OMG don’t even message me if you don’t know the difference!” I can’t wait to date you; you’re probably a shitload of fun at parties. A charismatic, deep person capable of understanding the many nuances of human nature. We will discuss the oxford comma and parenthetical referencing; we will dance. O’, how we will dance.