1. “I mean, I’ve had drunk sex in the library like…multiple times, but who hasn’t…right?”
— Valerie, 20
2. “During one fateful post-darty shift for my campus job, I showed up drunk (and horny) enough to deem it totally acceptable to make a quick exit to the bathroom in order to masturbate real quick using a vibrating chapstick. Afterwards, I promptly went back to work, answering phone calls and googling guinea pigs.”
— Valentina, 22
3. “I once threw up into my SAT tutor’s lap because, yes, I was that hungover. He was really hot so I definitely tried to look sexy every time he came over…and definitely also tried to play footsie with him under my dining room table on several occasions, which I guess is pretty ‘drunk,’ too.”
— Dion, 21
4. “Umm…this didn’t exactly happen on campus, but I guess Barnes & Noble is kind of an academic setting…I may or may not have come down with a case of drinking-induced explosive diarrhea (heavy sharting involved) all too recently in a B&N aisle…and instead of immediately going home, I may or may not have gone directly to see the premiere of Minions…”
— Nicole, 20
5. “I don’t drink, but I once showed up to class so visibly stoned that my professor (jokingly?) asked if I was high as I struggled through answering a stupid simple question. I panicked and responded, ‘No, are you?'”
— Martin, 21
6. “When I was a senior at my all girls’ high school, my friends and I arrived at our winter formal (a hallowed event that the senior class is charged with organizing every December) completely blackout. A bunch of us started making out on the dance floor, and my best friend who was, coincidentally, the residing class president, proceeded to vomit all over the ballroom. She was then carried out by our very sweet head security detail. It was a mess.”
— Monique, 19
7. “During Senior Prank Day in high school (an event that the seniors notoriously pregame), my ringtone was mysteriously set to Zoolander’s line, ‘I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much’ (on repeat). Of course, the next time my phone went off (on loud) was during my four-person Ancient Greek class (lol). My teacher, a former nun and taker of zero bullshit, was not pleased.”
— Lauren, 22
8. “When I was a junior in high school, my friends and I split a handle of Popov (lol) to liven up a five-hour school bus ride home from an overnight trip. My then-boyfriend and I were sharing a rubber bench and, as 17-year-olds do, proceeded to get extremely horny. Luckily, it was cold on the bus, so we had a blanket in tow that conveniently hid the casual hand job I’d begun to give him. Naturally though, the bus came to a sudden, violent stop mid-handy, effectively flinging the blanket off of us and revealing Nate’s penis (and my all-to-close hand) to our fellow bus-riders. Among said bus-riders was, of course, my older brother, who, five years later, still threatens to tell our parents whenever I piss him off.”
— Olivia, 22
9. “I once had this Australian professor who was exceptionally chill but enforced a strict *miss more than two classes and you’re kicked out* policy. One afternoon I was fully too darty-drunk to go to class, but of course, I’d already skipped two. I decided that honesty, in this case, would be the best policy, so I proceeded to send an email to the professor stating that I was too drunk to attend. I was 19 at the time, but I figured she’d be cool with it since she was from Australia, you know? Anyway, she wasn’t. She made me drop the class and directed me to several hours of DrinkSmart. Oopsie.”
— Dan, 21
10. “I’m currently working as an English teacher to adults and systematically arrive to work so ragingly hungover that I can’t even engage in the simplest conversations (e.g. How are you? How old are you? Are you an only child?) AKA my only task because I have to focus all of my energy on breathing in and out of my nose so I won’t vom on their desks. I feel pretty bad about it because these people are like, deeefintely mostly poor/unemployed and very eager to learn the language…….but I guess I’m generally pretty drunk, so my guilt has never really gotten in the of my alcohol consumption.”
— Susanna, 22
11. “In my sophomore year, I was once 100% blackout when a friend told me about her dope idea for her final art project, which I thought was so cool that, I guess, I decided to write it down in my notes. The next morning, thinking the note was the result of some revolutionary drunken brainstorming, I got to work on MY FRIEND’S decidedly one-of-a-kind project. I didn’t realize where the note originated from until the day before the project was due, when my friend came to my studio corner to check out my work. She was super polite and understanding, but I was both mortified and left with less than 24 hours to paint something totally different. Several nervous breakdowns (and a fifth of whiskey) were involved.”
— Pierre, 22 
