The 25 Fundamental Aspects Of College You Need To Learn

…Well, according to the dwindling supply of “young people” that I know, it’s college decision time once again — I think. That happens sometime in May, right?

As we all know, choosing the Right College for You is a very important… thingy. In fact, hypothetical-young-person-that-I’m-now-suddenly-speaking-to, a lot of very important different factors go into choosing the right school for you.

For example, when I was an undergrad, I chose a school that I didn’t want to go to, but that offered me a crap-load of money. …But then, when it came time for graduate school, I reversed the process, and went to an incredibly expensive school that offered me very little money, but which was located right outside Manhattan, had a 97% to 3% girl/guy ratio, and which featured all-night naked faux-“lesbian” parties. So which was the right choice? Both? Neither? They were possibly both bad decisions — but still, and just speaking on my own behalf, I’m going with the all-night naked girl parties.

Anyway, all of this hypothetical talk about college reminded me that I didn’t have a column ready for today, and all this talk of college also reminded me of everything that I remember about my own lengthy college career. And so, hypothetical young person, I present you with the FUNDAMENTAL ASPECTS OF COLLEGE. …Please to enjoy.

THE ASPECTS OF COLLEGE

1. …Plastic mattresses for extra blanket slippage.

2. Your brand new suicidal/anorexic/pothead/born-again Christian/having-loud-sex-while-three-inches-away-from-you… roommate!

3. The quad.

4. Anything involving bongos… which are generally played on the quad.

5. Student Health Services.

6. RAs.

7. Socks on doorknobs.

8 . Having to go to poetry readings in the hopes of getting that Sylvia-Plath-ish girl to sleep with you.

9. Women’s Studies majors.

10. Elementary Education majors.

11. Business majors.

12. Those dudes.

13. That girl.

14. Jell-O shots. Or maybe it’s all Jäger shots now. Or maybe there’s some new type of shot that I’m not up-to-date on. Anyway, shots.

15. Those useless little intercoms with buttons that you’re supposed to press if you’re being raped or shot… while standing right next to an intercom.

16. People who use the word “aesthetic.”

17. Walks of shame.

18. Fag hags.

19. Rich hippies.

20. The crushing realization that you’ve just spent 100,000 dollars so that you can have a civilized conversation… about “Beowulf.”

21. “So what do you want to do tonight?” “…I dunno, so what do you want to do tonight?”

22. People who think they’re going to be faithful to their high school boyfriend/girlfriend.

23. Senior-year boyfriends/girlfriends.

24. …Senioritis!

25. Graduation.

…And so, you’ve got all of that to look forward to, hypothetical young person! And remember: college is the best time of your life. Everything after college is totally downhill; yay.