Alright. Well, I always have a hard time gauging exactly what questions like this mean because I don’t know if you know what “poon” regularly smells like or if you even know what beer smells like. I’m guessing that if you’re getting poon, every party involved is a little tossed, cuz face it: You are real stupid. In my best estimation, this could be one of two things: You’re smelling your own beer breath when you go down on her or your “gf” has a killer yeasty that can be cleared up with OTC shit like Monistat or a simple prescription from her doctor or a clinic. Praying for you and your girlfriend’s poon.
She rubs one out ‘cuz you don’t fuck her right. Sorry, dude.
Some folks just aren’t in to having stuff shoved up their butt. This is a especially true for young guys who are working with a tight little sphincter. Stick an index up your butt while you’re reading this. Not super comfy, right?
I’m not totally sure I am shocked by a single part of his reaction (even the “gay” part because there’s always a chance your homophobic sweetheart is actually hoping a handsome police officer will do the opposite of not putting a finger in his ass—I’m talking about some fisty fisty action).
Respect his pooper’s privacy for the meantime but there’s nothing wrong with bringing it up time-to-time. Buy a bottle of Gun Oil and try eating his ass for a few first, y’know? Get some cheap silk sheets on Amazon (black or gold) and put on some old school R. Kelly and get after his ass like it’s a bowl of stuffing. Or whatever.
Honey! Great question and I have a fool proof answer to it. First you rent a hotel room. Maybe an impossibly luxurious suite with great dimmer lighting and a huge tub; much more pricy than your norm. Then you want to make sure there’s a couple bottles on Perrier Jouet Rose (the kind with the flowers on it.)
Get her favorite foods delivered to the room, set out a stack of UsWeeklys, maybe a couple girl-on-girl porn options on the TV and throw a Hitachi Magic Wand on top of the bed. Then leave. Just leave. No one wants you there. I can tell you’re a huge nerd and probably annoying to be around.
Oh. Hmmm. If we’re talking “soon” I’d say you missed the boat on slimming down to movie-stripper thin, but c’mon girl—didn’t you ever watch Friday Night Lights? Mindy was down at the landing strip twisting her body around the pole until she was well in to her second trimester. It doesn’t even matter if the majority of you teeth are gone and your hair is fried out from frequent at-home coloring. And isn’t a little extra “back” and “thickness” well welcomed by many gentlemen out there today? I’m guessing you’ve got tig ol’ bitties, too. Girl, I’m like 5’7” and 125 and I bet you’d pull in more skrill than me on an average night. You could leave a three and be be back with your rent money in time to say night-night to your Godson. Excited about this new career for you. Spread you wings and your beef curtains, you lil butterfly. 
