Things That I’m Not Nostalgic For

Things that I’m not nostalgic for:

1. Girls wearing six-inch tiny black leather backpacks to clubs.
2. Going to clubs.
3. The use of the term “Psych!” in middle school. As in, “Oliver, dude, you’re really awesome…” (beat)  “…psych!” Totally annoying. If you can’t trust a simple declarative sentence, then what can you trust?
4. Techno.
5. Having to pretend that I liked going to punk rock shows.
6. In fact, going to concerts in general. How many concerts did I ever go to that I actually enjoyed? I’m going to be optimistic and say three.
7. “Take Back the Night” marches.
8. Hacky-sacks. You’re bouncing something off your foot while standing in front of the high school…  stop it.
9. That brief period from 1996-1998 where people thought it would be hip to wear goggles.
10. The Caesar haircut.
11. The “Rachel” haircut.
12. Life without the internet or cell phones. How did we ever get anything done ever?
13. Womyn spelled with a “y”.
14. Having to go to Virgin Records instead of downloading music in 3.4 seconds for free.
15. The Reagan years.
16. My belief during the Reagan years that I would die via Nuclear Explosion by the age of sixteen.
17. Dying your hair purple or red with “Manic Panic.” Yeah, I did it. I did a lot of dumb shit though. I tried to grow dreadlocks once, for instance.
18. “Hands Across America.”
19. At least a hundred and fifty different catch-phrases: “Schwing!” “Talk to the hand!” “…Don’t go there!” “WhassUP!” “That’s dope!” “That’s phat!” And on and on forever…
20. Male-polish.

And – a special bonus section: …Things that I actually am nostalgic for:

1. Girls wearing thigh-high stockings.
2. My previous columns for Thought Catalog, which were funnier than this.
3. That is all.