19 Brief Excerpts From My Side Job As A Non-Accredited Life Coach

1. “You should be doing a lot of kegels. It’s probably not going to hurt anything. But having said that, choose appropriate times to do them. Don’t do them right before a date or something. I suppose they can tire you out and make things…complicated later on. It’s kind of like how you shouldn’t do a hard lift session before going to help a friend move, you know what I mean?”

2. “So you want to be famous, and you tell me you want my help getting you there as quickly and effortlessly as possible, but then you scoff when I tell you the best way to do this is by making and distributing a sex tape with a mediocre rapper in which you allow him to put it in your butt and also urinate on you. I’m really starting to question your dedication to making the C-List, Margaret.”

3. “I think you’d be surprised at how heavily your penchant for wearing Ed Hardy has been contributing to most of the problems you’ve told me you really hope to solve.”

4. “Look, I realize it’s difficult to cut back when you’re working at a Domino’s Pizza, but if you don’t stop eating so many white flour-based meals, your weight loss goals are going to be pretty much impossible to meet, unless you run at least a half marathon every day except Sunday, which is cheat day, but don’t overdo it even on cheat day. Gluttony is a sin or whatever.”

5. “Well, I suppose you should be afraid of being alone forever. Think about it: living alone is kind of a dangerous thing. There’s nobody there to protect you or even look out for you. Theoretically, you could slip in the shower, crack your head and be dead for days before anybody even got suspicious as to your whereabouts. Maybe you should check into wearing LifeAlert. That’s what I use. Sure, I can help you set up at Match.com profile.”

6. “Of course Tinder is a viable way to go about trying to find a mate. Think about it. Before cell phones existed (and even still today if you’re a really confident person like a stock broker or a high school football quarterback), people would always walk up to strangers in public places and strike up a conversation with them. And these people had no idea about the other person’s interests, values or personality. They simply found them physically attractive. Tinder has just made it easier to reach a larger pool of people.”

7. “Hey. You know how you were wondering why you weren’t getting as many messages from dudes on OkCupid this month? It’s because you changed your answer to “Would you consider sleeping with someone on the first date?’ to ‘no.’ Don’t worry about how I know this, that’s not what’s important here.”

8. “No, ‘do one thing every day that scares you’ is not good advice, in my opinion. I’m not saying you should steer clear of all things that frighten you, but some days will probably pass by without you feeling any fear whatsoever. You shouldn’t ruin those days by going out and actively trying to find something to do that will scare the fuck out of you. You know how pissed it would make a person in a war-torn land to find out that people were just itching to find things to do that scare them?”

9. “Your hair looks like shit and you should cut it. This might seem like a dickish thing to say right now but let’s talk again when, after you get your hair cut, people start coming out of the fucking woodwork to say they like your new haircut so much better than the old one. Where were these people when your hair made you look like Lloyd Christmas?”

10. “I advise you to not get a tattoo that reads that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. This platitude…it just…it just doesn’t really make any sense. I hate to play Devil’s advocate here (lol see what I did there?), but you can’t even prove the existence of Christ’s deity father, which I suppose would be a nice jumping off point to being able to do anything. So let’s not get arrogant, here.”

11. “You’re not going to completely stop checking Facebook. If you want to cut toxic things from your life, we’re going to have to start with something easier. Like, maybe you could stop checking Jackie’s Facebook profile 18 times a day.”

12. “No, seriously, listen to me. If you know and have proof that a co-worker is beating his wife, you should tell somebody about it, even if he has dirt on you and said dirt is that every now and then you like to unwind with a spliff and a bucket of KFC. You will not get into more trouble for smoking weed than a guy who beats his wife will get into. This is real life; not the NFL.”

13. “Well, them’s the breaks. Love does not make sense. The sooner you get used to this the sooner you’ll be able to roll with the punches that come when you’re out there trying to find someone to share your life with.”

14. “One really big obstacle you’re going to want to consider when starting this diet is how you’re going to go about doing it without talking constantly about it to everyone you cross, whether they seem willing to listen or not. Remember when we did that exercise where we had you do a nice thing and then try—emphasis on try—not to toot your own horn via social media? Yeah, just behave the exact opposite of how you ended up acting in that scenario.”

15. “Alright, you’re going to have to do what you ultimately want to do, but I want it here in digital writing that I suggested full-heartedly that you not propose to Allison on the JumboTron at the baseball game, whether they clinch the division tonight or not.”

16. “All you need to do is study the way Gwyneth Paltrow behaves, and then act the complete opposite of that. People should start to like you more.”

17. “I’m telling you, man. You have to act like you don’t care, or actually somehow stop caring. Some women will then come on to you. I know it’s counterintuitive and awful, but that doesn’t make it any less true, does it?”

18. “No, it’s not a good idea to write her a letter asking her what happened to the two of you. I’m not knocking the overrated power of the handwritten letter, but to make a gesture like that six months after you went on two dates is probably not going to be looked upon in a positive light. How do you even have her mailing address?”

19. “Well, I certainly don’t specialize in or know very much at all about female fertility. You should probably call Hobby Lobby or Rick Perry if you want to get the info on that. They at least seem very confident that they know what they’re talking about.”