I’m Done Being Heartbroken About You

Two years. That’s how long it’s been since you broke up with me over a text message right after I told you my grandmother was in the hospital. That’s how long it took for me realize that you are not worth my tears. That’s how long it took me to realize that I deserve better. That’s how long it took me to realize that I am finally over you.

I was driving home from work yesterday, stuck in traffic, and I just felt numb. There were tears streaming down my face, yet I couldn’t feel the trickle. I was upset, but more than anything, I was mad that after two years, you still have that power over me. I was angry that you still affected me enough to make me cry. And that’s when it hit me — I wasn’t crying because I was upset that we aren’t together anymore, I was upset because I felt sorry for you and who you have become.

I missed you every day for the past two years, but I don’t like the new you. One of the main reasons why I fell in love with you was because of how you treated the people around you. The old you actually used to care about the people in your life and make an effort but now, you’re ignorant. You’re just too busy trying to YOLO through every day to even notice anybody. I can’t believe it took me so long so even begin to get over you, and a part of me still misses what we had and how we were, but you’ve become somebody that I don’t think I would ever want to be with. I thought I still loved you but after seeing you recently, drinking, smoking, and doing all the things that you said you would never do, I realized how wrong I had been about you.

The past two years have been so exhausting; trying to maintain any type of relationship with you when there is literally zero effort from you, trying to pretend like what you say or do doesn’t affect me (rather, what you DON’T do or say), trying to figure out where your head is and what you’re thinking since there is no concept of confrontation in your life. It all drives me insane and I’m done.

I don’t know if you’re just oblivious to the fact that some people might genuinely care about you or if you just don’t think it’s necessary to bother with them. Are you really that scared of being hurt that you would rather push away everybody close to you and hurt those who care about you? You’ve put up this “tough guy” façade but you’re a coward. That’s what you really are. From making the first move with you when I met you for the first time, to making the effort to take a flight halfway across the country to surprise you for your birthday and taking you out on our first date, to initiating a conversation with you the first time we met eight months after breaking up because you couldn’t muster up the courage to come up to me to say hi in the four days we spent together with our friends, it’s always me. I’ve always been the one who has to make the first move or take the initial step because you have never had the balls to say what’s on your mind. I’ve tried so hard to be friends with you over the past year but it has always been so one sided. I kept hurting my pride to try to salvage some type of a relationship with you because I truly believed that we could have been great friends and all you did was make me feel worthless.

Not a day has gone by in the past two years where I didn’t think about you. There isn’t anything in the world that I wouldn’t have done for you, and it hurts to know that you can’t say the same. Getting your heart broken hurts, but I can vouch for the fact that nothing hurts more than knowing how little someone who you would be willing to give the world for cares about you. I once told you that I hope you never have to feel this way, but I take that back. I pray that you, too, get your heart broken one day by somebody that you think is “the one” because that’s the only way you will really know what this feels like. And maybe then, one day, you’ll think of me.

You made getting over you the hardest and the easiest thing at the same time. You made me feel ways that no one has ever made me feel before, in a good way and a bad way. You showed me what it feels to be in love and you showed me what it feels to be hurt. You turned my smiles into tears in once sentence. You made me believe in love at first sight, but now, when I look at you, I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore and I’m okay with that, because I no longer have space for someone like you in my life.