1. Say something!

Be vocal. this for sure. don’t be silent. say what you like and let us know you like it.

2. O RLY?

 My penis is attached to my body don’t act like you are trying to start a god damn lawnmower.

3. Channel your primal instinct. 

Don’t lay there like a dead log. Move around, climb on top, push your self against me. Move your body like you’re at the club and a song came on and you’re all “oooooh, this my shit!”

Additionally, grab, touch, lick. I make every effort to kiss, bite, touch and play with your lady bits and body, return the favor.

Mostly, have fun. Fuck like you’re never going to be able to fuck again. Then give it ten minutes and do it again. Get crazy, act like a complete animal. (don’t poop/pee on me though…please).

4. I thought you were just playing hard to get…

If I clench my ass on your fingers approach that means fuck off.

5. Cat scratch fever.

(Light!) scratching of the nails on the back. Aaaahhhhh yiss…..

7. Compliments are key.

Tell us when we’re good! I always compliment my wife when we’re done, because (1) I like to make her feel good and (2) hopefully that encourages her to keep doing it with me!

It’s nice when you know it’s not a one-way street.

8. Just talk to me, baybee.

Communicate with us.

It doesn’t have to be dirty talk (though that works for some) but just tells us what you like, what feels good, what you want, what you are thinking. It makes the experience for both parties so much for enjoyable and satisfying.

9. Oh, snap.

Less teeth.

10. It’s all in the hands.

Do that twirly thing with the hand! Yeah that one!

11. Chill with the caps locks, bro.

BE ENTHUSIASTIC!!! BE ALIVE!! BE INTO IT!!! WANT IT!!! CRAVE IT!!! NEED ITT!!!

12. People actually listen to Cosmo’s sex advice?

Stop listening to Cosmo. The women who write Cosmo probably haven’t been laid in 40 years and don’t have a god damn clue what the hell they’re talking about.

13. Don’t be a snooze.

If you don’t know how to act then act silly or act like you are too into it. It’s more fun to have a reason to laugh then an awkward silent slow clap sounding fuck session.

14. It’s not you. It’s me. 

We don’t always want it and just because we don’t feel like it doesn’t mean we are bored of you or interested in someone else.

Men get tired too, we are not animals.

15. Let’s get kinky.

Your fetish 99% of the time wont scare us away, tell us what you want us to do.

16. Things they don’t teach you in Sex Ed… 

A couple of things –

1. Don’t just spread eagle on the bed and starfish. Move around. Jiggle something. Fuck us back. Anything that makes it seem better than folding a latex glove filled with lotion into a washcloth and fucking that.
2. Tell us when we do something awesome! If the sex was good we want to know. It can get to feel like we’re under a lot of pressure to perform during sex, so if you think it’s good it’ll make our day!
3. Don’t forget to play with the balls.

17. All about dem peepers. 

Eye contact.

Makes a huge difference.

18. Wow, this guy really loves BJs.

When in doubt, BJ. If you want to have sex, but don’t think he’s feeling it, BJ. If it’s getting to be a late night of drinking and are worried he won’t be able to keep it up, BJ. If ever, you want to turn us on enough to have sex, just grab it and put it somewhere, hit it with a titty, hell, I’ll even get turned on if you touch it with your feet.

Moral of the story, Women expect to get fingered and eaten out, well because most guys LOVE IT. I love it. I’m just saying, ask every unhappy couple in the world, “What would make you more happy?” The guy would immediately be like, “More BJs.” Simple.

And ladies, if you haven’t already stopped reading. I get it. I wouldn’t willingly want to put my mouth on it either, but you know what, guys have to suck it up all the time. I may love pizza more than anything in this world and will eat every slice that comes my way, but it’s not like I loved every slice I had. We’ve all had a shitty piece of pizza. What I’m trying to say is, I still managed to muscle down every piece of pizza and if my gf asked, “hey babe, how was that pizza?” I’d look at her and smile and say, keep it coming, you know I love pizza!”

19. You first, guy.

At least TRY anal. Every girl I’ve done it with has orgasms so intense they can hardly speak english for like 5 minutes afterwards.

20. No handsies – got it. 

Stop trying to give us handjobs. You’re really terrible at it.

21. Act like pornstars…or something.

Watch porn…we like to try those things, so maybe learn about what we’ve been seeing. It’s not just for pervs. We’ve been watching that stuff since we were kids and feel like we’re missing out if all you want to do is lay there silently. Be vocal. Get on top once in a while. And what is so scary about oral sex? Now, I know there are plenty of ladies who reciprocate and do their part, but this is directed at the ones I have experienced who don’t at all.