8 Things In Life We’d All Be Better Off Without

1. When people don’t use their turn signals.

Oh, I’m just driving this way…HAHAHA JUST KIDDING I’M DRIVING THIS WAY SCREW YOU I HATE YOU AND YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO.

2. When people get mad at you for making a mistake while you’re driving (probably something like forgetting to use my turn signal, speaking of which: be sure and say hello to your grandmother for me).

I’ve got nothing but a car and a death wish – I’m obviously TRYING to run into you, inappropriately gesticulating stranger.

3. That one strand of hair that’s so short that it won’t stay in place no matter how much hairspray you load it with.

So now you’ve got this Alfalfa look going on except it’s on the front of your skull so honestly you just look like an idiot.

This may have something to do with the fact that I cut my own bangs (and before you get all judgey-judgerson over there, I’ve cut my bangs before and it’s been JUST FINE). This time I may or may not have kept “trimming” them.

I know, I hate myself too.

4. Recipes.

When I get in the kitchen I like to let my mind-palace-moat flow free. A well executed chicken parmigiana did never a happy eater make. (That was a lie…) I’ve just never liked following recipes, and even when I do I’ll more often than not throw in something a little extra just for the fun of it. I put the fun in foodfun! (Which is a word I just made up in order to demonstrate how fun I am when it comes to food!)

5. When it’s sunny outside and your desk is RIGHT NEXT to a huge-normous window.

And you can see how bright and happy everyone is out there but you’ve got to work or study and it’s just so…depressing .And you start to think about those quotes you’re always hearing about “life” and how when you’re 50 years old and look back on your life, do you think you’ll remember the time you spent working or the time you spent playing? And you think to yourself: I would remember the time I spent playing but then you realize you don’t spend any time playing because you’re always at work so then you start getting a little sad and the walls of your workspace start closing in on you and you can’t breathe so you start to have a mini panic attack until finally you can’t hold it in any longer and you run screaming out the door.

Or you can just grind your teeth for a bit before closing the blinds. I usually do that.

6. When people come up to me and “rearrange” my stuff.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! You don’t KNOW ME. You don’t KNOW WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH. Maybe I keep my pens in a certain place because my mother never fed me solid food from ages 12 to 13, YOU NEVER KNOW.

7. Morning people.

Honestly, I get to work every morning wondering how I survived the drive in without accidentally murdering somebody with my car. I can barely put letters together to form words, let alone words together to form phrases…fully formed sentences are completely out of the question. Also, am I the only girl waking up with the voice of a bridge troll?! I feel as if I am.

8. The “slow fade” (AKA the slow rejection).

If you use the “slow fade,” you are the ugly hobgoblin spawn of Satan. It’s just a fact. There is literally nothing worse than inviting someone to go somewhere or do something and getting a “maybe.” You’re basically telling me yes, I’ll hang out with you, no problem, unless of course something else — something BETTER — comes along. Or they’ll say “maybe” and then 5 minutes before the planned event something will “come up.” I’ll tell you what’s not coming up and that is your penis because I swear to God I will take an axe to that shit.

Unless…you DO wanna grab a coffee…? No? Oh okay, that’s cool…