Derogatory Names for Guys

Douche

The douche (or, douchebag) is a contraption used for administering saline water, or pharmaceutically viable fluid, into the vaginal canal in order to “flush” out incumbent odors and/or biological material. The woman who douches is either pensive or considerate, an inverse solemn fountain. The douche’s volition, of unsound character, is generally guided by the pursuit of sexual conquests with women, in service of the cervix, hence the association between said guy and feminine detritus.

Scumbag

A scumbag is a frightening abstract idea of what it might be: a bag of some sort (one imagines rendered with coarse linen, or simply a circa 80s “fanny pack”) that holds “scum,” a generic term which in this case can only be male emission. Being a bag, we have no choice but to apply a lineage to its carrying capacity; meaning, this “scumbag” is likely holding his last ~5-7 ejaculations. Unattractive, and of foul disposition, the scumbag must self-propagate his own genetic material without any clear recipient.

Pussy

One would think the douche and pussy are similar, given their correlation to each other, but far from it. Unlike the hyper masculine (however underadjusted) douche, the pussy is typically an effeminate guy with a history of difficulty attaining amorous access to said area. Abashed, he is of the dour sort, perhaps at home on Fridays popping vitamin-C to prevent a cold, or folding laundry to an Ethan Hawke film. A douche may knock on a pussy’s door and say “have some Red Bull you pussy.” The pussy, of course, will concede, and be taken away in a newly leased BMW for a night in which he doesn’t get laid.

Choad

The “choad” (also spelled “chode,” or, rarely, “chaod”) is, by its anatomically contradictory definition, a very complex species. The choad is technically the perineum, or “taint”: a ~1.5 inch area of patchy flesh between the scrotum and anus (women have these too, but such area serves no character symbolism). While there is nothing inherently wrong with the choad, the attribution has evolved into an undesirable thing, perhaps due to an odor incurred by its vicinity. There are also those who assert that a choad is actually a penis which is as wide as it is long, with an implicit comment about its short length. We don’t need to explain why this is a bad thing.

Tool

A tool is a utilitarian way to describe a penis — like a wrench, caulking gun, or mallet. Tools are blunt, obtuse, and unwittingly continue to disappoint women in love and life. After a bad date, a woman will tell her bff “oh my god, that guy was a complete tool,” and the bff will reply “fucking tool.” (The tool, on his couch playing his PS2/PS3, has no idea this conversation is even happening.) In 1993, however, when the band Tool became mainstream popular, people stopped calling guys tools because the concept of “tool” became temporarily cool.

Wanker

A wanker is essentially a British choad. Taken from the English dictionary, Wank: 1. (vb) to masturbate; 2. (n) an instance of wanking. The “instance of wanking” may be multiplied 1,000x, over the course of 4 years, the time it takes to get a Bachelor’s in wanking.

Dick

Perhaps the most common derogatory term for a guy, the “dick” is of course the penis. To call someone a penis may seem like a compliment — after all, the size must be multiplied approximately twelvefold in order to reach a comparable height of the average adult male — but it is, pun intended, most short of that.

Prick

A prick is a dick under the influence of alcohol, too much pussy, or “father issues.” Pricks and douches will often be found being amicable with one another at strip clubs and/or sports bars. They get along fairly well, surprisingly observing “bro code.” Pricks have crooked personalities, as their counterpart dicks may be also crooked.

Asshole

The choad, in its slow journey to the asshole, is ultimately a benign thing. The asshole (at times spelled “A-hole”), however, is the most formidable part of the body, as it is both the exit point of our most foul material, and the entry point of our most perverse digital inquiries. The asshole (also known as “Dad”) is a dick on steroids. Assholes have been known to call their sons a pussy, and needless to say, both places could use a well placed cucumber.

Shithead

Like the scumbag, the shithead is an ominous abstraction of its primary constituent: a human cranium tightly packed with feces. Aesthetically, one may imagine a bisected cranium with shit in it, much like oatmeal in a bowl. The metaphor, one can suppose, is that the thoughts, and perhaps entire consciousness, of said shithead is worth less than the brown pungent matter which usurps the brain. A shithead — his “thought diarrhea” striving for a radius of smell only he can enjoy — should not be taken too seriously, which is why this contributor humbly requests that you stop reading this. I guess I’m done.