How I Want To Respond To Hate Mail
I get a lot crap that I will never, ever have the time to respond to. Do I have the time, technically? Yes, but I could be doing other things that I like more, like eating Cheetos or masturbating. Sometimes I do them both together. Welcome to being single. It's pretty great.
By 
Nico Lang
At Thought Catalog, I’m pretty lucky to get really engaged feedback and criticism from folks, and 99% of the time (whether it’s on a comment board or through my email), you say something cool that makes my day or check me when I need to be checked. It’s a great tool of dialogue and discussion, and I’ve met folks who later became friends through an internet comment board. The internet seems all fake, but the relationships it contains can be very real.
However, I also get a lot crap on the internet that I will never, ever have the time to respond to — usually from HuffPost readers, who are very, very good at finding my email. (Seriously, is it on the side of a bus or something? Are they passing it out like Jesus pamphlets on the corner?) Do I have the time to respond, technically? Yes, but I could be doing other things that I like more, like eating Cheetos or masturbating. Sometimes I do them both together. Welcome to being single. It’s pretty great.
In the interests of not cutting into my self-spank time, I thought I would answer them all together — with the help of Beyonce, Jennifer Lawrence and their friends. They say what simple words cannot express. 
When Someone Criticizes You For “Pushing The Homosexual Agenda”:
When Someone Sends You A Thousand-Word Email About One Copy Error On An Article You Spent Eight F*cking Hours Doing Research For:
When Someone “Fact Checks” Something That’s Not Wrong:
When Someone Wants To Know (In A Post About Feminism), “Well, What About The Men?”:
When A Straight Dude Tries To Tell You How Much Easier Women Have It Than Men And Feminists Are Too [Insert Word Here]:
When A White Person Tries To Tell You Why We Don’t Need To Talk About Race:
When Anyone (Ever) Says, “I Don’t Mean To Be Racist, But…”:
When Someone Criticizes Obama For The Wrong Reasons (See: “Muslim Socialist”):
When Someone Says That Gender-Neutral Pronouns Aren’t A Thing And Tries To Correct Your Grammar:
When Someone Throws Shade At You For Writing A Long Read, Which Is What You Do:
When Someone Accuses You Of “Overthinking” The Issue (Which Usually Means You Are Thinking The Right Amount):
When Someone Complains That Your Blog Post Veers From Traditional Journalistic Guidelines (To Which It Does Not Aspire Because, Hey, It’s A Blog):
When Someone Minimizes Your Experiences As A Sexual Assault Survivor:
When Anyone Ever Says, “She Was Asking For It”:
When A Person Emails To Inform You That They Used To See Things the Same Way When They Were “Your Age” (Before They Saw How The World Really Is):
When Someone Completely Invalidates Your Right To An Opinion But Hits On You Anyway:
When Someone Critiques You In Comic Sans:
WHEN SOMEONE SENDS YOU SEVEN ANGRY MESSAGES, ALL OF WHICH TOTALLY MISS THE POINT:
