MOONWALKING SHETLAND PONY CAUGHT IN PATERNITY SUIT!!!

Not that you really need to hear about my life, and not that you want to hear about my life — because you’ve already read the title of this essay and you’re like A MOONWALKING PONY! IS THERE A VIDEO OF THE PONY??? A VIDEO IN WHICH WE GET TO SEE THE PONY MOONWALKING??! — um, anyway, so not that you need to hear about my life, but I’ve only gotten two hours of sleep in the last couple of days, so I’m having a little trouble making sense of this news story from England, which caught my attention with the following headline–

…What, what, what, what? Hold on. Slow down there, newspaper headline. What… the hell? At this point my thought process is already something like:

moonwalkingponymoonwalkingponymoonwalkingponymoonwalkingpo–

For that is the best thing that I have ever heard.

This is actually a real story, and comes from England, where apparently things do not make sense. According to the U.K. Telegraph:

…After starring in the mobile phone advert dancing to Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Everywhere,’ Socks was put out to stud with three mares. But instead he took a shine to another mare across a loch and swum to meet her.

The owners are now carrying out a DNA test to see if he is the father of Scamp, a black colt born last month on Shetland.

…And that’s how the story BEGINS. If you’re like me, and are working on two hours of sleep, not much of that makes sense; and in fact to me it sort of resembles a random jumble of words. Of course, none of that matters, because here’s the video of the moonwalking pony which is the only reason you clicked on this essay in the first place:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ekr05T9Iaio&w=584&h=390]

That. Is. The best thing. Ever.

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Okay! So as near as I can follow, “Socks” — the Shetland pony — won a contest to appear in a British cell phone commercial, due to the mad power of his moonwalking skillz. Maybe this was some huge viral story that I missed, but I don’t understand how, and anyway we should still be talking about the pony all the time, instead of yapping about the NSA and wiretapping and whatever else is happening right now.

Here’s more about Socks:

Owner Mari Williamson, 47, who runs a stud farm, said she always knew Socks was a star.

She told the Sun: “I always knew he was a star, it was just a case of everyone else finding out.

“Socks is not like any other Shetland pony, he’s unique. He’s a quirky character and a happy chappy.”

…A happy chappy! That’s just precious. The story of Socks also contains this quote from his owner:

“No one is getting to eat my moonwalking pony.”

…Which I don’t totally understand, why eating a pony would be a thing that ever happens, but then, like I said, I am very sleepy.

Here’s another quote about Socks:

The Shetland pony now has his own Facebook page with almost 1,000 friends.

THE PONY HAS MORE FRIENDS THAN YOU.

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Anyway! The “paternity suit” just turns out to be a story about adorable miniature horse sex, with no actual paternity suit actually happening. …Apparently British newspaper writers just wanted another excuse to talk about the MOONWALKING PONY, which is — of course — totally fine with me.

Here’s the video again, because of course here’s the video again:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ekr05T9Iaio&w=584&h=390]

I am never not watching that video. From now on, I am always watching this video. Also, I’m moving to Scotland and then FINDING THIS PONY. …And then eating him. No. Wait. Probably not eating him. Anyway; maybe I just need some sleep. That’s all out of me for a while. Goodnight, everyone! Goodnight — MOONWALKING PONY.