Honest Responses To My High School Boyfriend’s Death

“He’s always with you in spirit.”

What I said: “Thanks.” Awkward smile

What I meant: “Really? Because I don’t feel anything. What is that supposed to feel like?”

“He was such a happy person.”

What I said: “Yeah…”

What I meant: “No, he was actually chronically prone to depression. And what does it matter anyway? He died. And he could’ve been very happy or very unhappy or somewhere in between and all three are irrelevant. Is that vague assumption supposed to make me feel better? Why are we even talking about it?”

“He was like my best friend.”

What I said: “Oh yeah! I’m sorry I’m just really out of it. What’s your name again?”

What I meant: “I’ve never met you before and you just want pity in the face of tragedy.”

“It’ll get better.”

What I said: Nothing, probably.

What I meant: “When it starts to get better it will only mean I have started the process of letting him go, and that is equally as disturbing as the tragedy itself.”

“I heard his song on the radio today while I was thinking of him. I mean what are the chances? It was him, I could feel it.”

What I said: “Wow that’s crazy.”

What I meant: “Whoever decided to assign him a song chose one of the most popular hits on the radio recently. Of course you heard it. Also, he would have never chosen Jay-Z‘s remake of Forever Young to be his song.”

“Hi I’m so and so, I met him a month ago and we’ve been kind of seeing each other. I miss him so much.”

What I said: “Oh, that must be hard for you.”

What I meant: “I’m sorry, I want to sympathize but I can’t stop thinking about punching you in the face. Excuse me, I need a drink.”

“He really loved you.”

What I said: “I don’t know about that. I hope so.”

What I meant: “I just want to hear you talk more about how he loved me because we ended on a bad note and I’m insecure about it.”

“He’s watching over you from a better place now.”

What I said: “I know he is. It’s just really hard.”

What I meant: “It’s just really hard because I actually don’t know that he is, and neither do you. I had faith in a place called Heaven but now that it matters I cannot ignore the fact that at the end of the day, I do not know what happened when he slammed on the brakes and his heart decided it was time to go. And if he is up there, then don’t you think he has nobler things to do than to watch me make an ass out of myself here on Earth? HEY, dude nodding in agreement, yeah you. Weren’t you an Atheist before this happened?”

“I’m so sorry.”

What I said: “Thank you, I really appreciate it.”

What I meant: “Thank you, I really appreciate it.”