I Want To Stop Caring

I was popular in high school. I was one of the captains of the girl’s soccer team, I was a cheerleader for three years, and I ended up as a finalist in the Homecoming Court. I never had trouble getting attention from boys or getting compliments from other students. I woke up 90 minutes before the start of my first class every day to make sure my hair was perfectly straightened, my outfit was perfectly matched, and that my makeup was perfectly applied. I tried everything to be perfectly perfect.

Ever since I can remember I have been a complete hardass on myself. I lack self-esteem in almost every area of my life from looks to grades to personality. I don’t think I’m good enough for myself or for other people, so I naturally transformed into an annoying perfectionist. I put an overwhelming amount of pressure on myself to get good grades, maintain an insane body, and be the most likeable person on the planet. If I get lower than an A- my day is ruined. If I wake up and I’m one pound heavier than the day before, my day is ruined. If I waved to someone and they didn’t wave back, my day is ruined. What did I do wrong? Did I not study enough or did I eat too much or did she hear me talking about her? I literally exhaust myself to an intolerable extent almost every day. But, why?

Why do we care so much about what people think? I remember in high school I made sure to get a t-shirt that had a visible moose logo on the front so people would know it’s from Abercrombie. If I got a new Juicy Couture bag, I had to write something about it on my AIM away message. This materialistic bullshit has driven my mind crazy, and I’m sure I’m not the first girl to admit it. Girls suck. Popular girls suck even worse. And being popular in high school was a fucking nightmare. Some of the most hurtful things said to me occurred during my high school years, and Mean Girls isn’t that far of an exaggeration now looking back. I’ve learned that the most insecure people are the ones who try to break others, but in the moment all the comments are so real and painful. They appear to have all the power, but inside they have none at all. They are empty and broken, so they work to try and make everyone else feel that way. It’s horrible and evil, but its how the world works sometimes.

My biggest flaw is caring about what other people think about me. Because honestly, we want people to think we are pretty, smart, funny, etc. But what happens when they don’t? It’s not the end of the world, but it kinda sucks, right? We should care what our best friends think about us, our loved ones, our co-workers, etc. But where do you draw the fine line when to not worry about what people think? I love it when I hear people say, “Yeah I just do whatever I want, who cares,” but then you see them struggling to cover up something they said or blend in with the latest fashions. We all care to some extent, and I think we’re just lying to ourselves when we say we don’t care at all about what anyone says about us. I have a lot of shit to work on, like everyone else, but this is my biggest challenge that I can’t seem to hurdle over. I have confidence that one day things will get easier, my mind will become simpler, and my insecurities grow dimmer. I think we all need to give ourselves a break once in a while. 

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