You’ll Never Be The Best Friend I Need You To Be

When people ask me who’s my best friend, I tell them it’s you. I tell them that we’ve been best friends for years, that you’re like my other half, that you “get it” the most.

And then I start to feel sad because even though what I just said is mostly true, the fact remains that I haven’t seen or heard from you in over a month. No texts, no emails, certainly no phone conversations. We live 15 minutes away from each other and I barely see you. Our friendship has morphed into a series of catch up lunches or boozy dinners where we hang out for five hours and talk about how much we love each other.

And it’s true. I do love you. I just can’t rely on you for anything. I can’t see you on a whim (our dates need like a week of planning) and I can’t call you because you won’t pick up. You used to be such a source of emotional support for me but then, you yourself told me in so many words, to minimize expectations and avoid being disappointed.

So I did. And it hurts. It hurts to not be able to depend on your so-called best friend for anything. Part of me wishes I could vocalize this hurt but I know that would just push you further away. You’re in your own little world now. You don’t do anything you don’t want to do. It’s not just our friendship that’s suffered. It’s all of your other relationships too.

Let’s get one thing straight here; I am not needy or clingy. There have been plenty of times where I have thought that and have been extra careful to give you space so as to not “overwhelm” you or whatever. But I know now that that’s bullshit. I know now that it’s not needy to want to see your best friend more than once a month. I know now that it’s not needy to actually have you be a part of my life rather than someone that gets updates on it. The sad thing is that when we’re together, the chemistry is still there. I connect with you on a level that I rarely do with others, Our bond is special, which is why it’s so hard to see it get neglected.

I don’t want to be your “catch up” friend. Please don’t turn us into this. I feel constantly pathetic and rejected. If I’m misreading the situation, if you’re really just trying to phase me out, just let me know. it hurts more not to know.