The Sex Songs Mixtape

A fair warning to those interested in performing intercourse to this specially designed list of songs: you may achieve an orgasm so powerful and earth-shattering that every orgasm afterwards will be undoubtedly subpar. The sex songs mixtape contains music that has been carefully selected to guide lovers into a night of frenzied love making, preceded by heavy petting, and ending with gentle spooning. Enjoy — and you’re welcome.

1. Knife Party – Rage Valley

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rnw4GzXgXNA&w=584&h=390%5D

What would a sex songs mixtape be without an opening song that features the sound of a gun cocking and shooting? This chunk of dubstep paradise will show your lover that your penis/vagina is ready to rumble, and it’s going to be loud. Knife Party’s unique blend of dubstep and aural ecstasy will prove to be the perfect opener to your wild night.

2. Big Freedia – Booty-Whop

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niWKFWFJ5Iw&w=584&h=390%5D

Now that you’re undoubtedly mid-coitus and thoroughly brimming with pleasure, it’s probably time to cool things off for a while. WRONG. The rule of any and all playlists is: hit ’em with your best on the first track, then trump the shit out of that track with the second track. For the booty-inclined, Big Freedia is your messiah. Big Freedia, this big hunk of gay Southern goodness slams the booty-inclined with his dope rhymes. The consistent electro beat should help you maintain a solid and fluid rhythm. Keep going for the gold!

3. Washed Out – Feel It All Around

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DkslcOhytU&w=584&h=390%5D

It’s been about nine minutes now. Take a second and pat yourself on the back for doing such a great job. I’d say do the same for your lover, but they are probably too engulfed in pleasure. Now is the time to slow things down. This track, famous for its use in the opening credits of Portlandia, is a great interlude. There are many routes you can go during the three minutes and 12 seconds of this smooth, reflective piece. You can dismount and grab a Powerade, continue coitus-ing like the trooper you are, or simply look into your lover’s eyes and gaze. Just don’t whisper “I can feel it all around”, because that’s super cheesy and weird. Weirdo.

4. Dillon Francis – Dill The Noise

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n85ZN_CyNl8&w=584&h=390%5D

This track starts off slow, but grows more persistent and dirty. As the first track after your interlude, “Dill The Noise” is a good way to ease back into things, especially if you chose the route of drinking a Powerade during the interlude. This song give you a solid minute and eight seconds of buildup to switch back from tender lover into the Tyrannosaurus-sex-minister you really are on the inside.

5. Childish Gambino – Firefly

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnQXxXHXFv4&w=584&h=390%5D

Before Donald Glover was spending all of his free time getting spooky and romantic with Lena Dunham, he was off making raps. “Firefly” needs to be on this list, because it inspires the dirty and experimental sex every couple desires. This is the song where you can work up the courage to ask your suitor if they like that certain thing you think they like but aren’t sure. This song, and entire album, is an interesting departure from Glover’s first E.P and feels less polished and more…how you say…gangster? Or, at least as gangster as an NYU alum from Stone Mountain, Georgia can be.

6. The Two Man Gentlemen Band – Heavy Petting

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-u7F231C1Q&w=584&h=390%5D

There’s always a part of the whole experience where both parties have miraculously gotten tired at the same time and have resorted to good ol’ fashioned third base for a break. The Two Man Gentlemen Band provide the light-hearted, fun, and charming soundtrack for the couple minutes you’ll need to recuperate through mutual masturbation. Don’t feel embarrassed — you don’t need to be in eighth grade to enjoy it.

7. F-Minus – Forced Identity

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp8X0sP8rI0&w=584&h=390%5D

You’re nearly spent and your lover is crippled with euphoria. You both know it’s almost time to turn in your guns and badges and climax. Before the final countdown, there’s always the minute of absolutely criminal sex. The kind of sex that you’ve seen in porn and want to inflict upon each other for nothing else but pleasure. For that minute, you pretend you’re Sid and Nancy and go totally B-A-N-A-N-A-S all over each other’s business.

8. Queen – Don’t Stop Me Now

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM&w=584&h=390%5D

What other band could guide you to orgasm better than Queen? Did you know every single member of the band has composed a chart-topping single? They were all inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. ALL OF THEM. Through chorus and crescendo, you will prove that the sex you’ve had is — in fact — unstoppable. As climax occurs, and the post-coitus coma sets in, Freddie Mercury’s voice will guide you into a sleep that a true champion deserves. Congratulations, you’ve just completed a lovemaking session with the aid of the sex songs mixtape. Give me a high-five…with your other hand.