The 30 Worst Places Where You Should Never Have Sex

1. I don’t recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned.

2. A (never been used, brand new, but still completely disgusting) portapotty.

3. A construction site on a windy day. Sand and dust everywhere.

4. Once in an (only nearly) empty train carriage. Just sat on his lap facing him in a hiked-up dress. All fun and games until you pull into a station and there’s a crowd of people on the platform looking directly at you through the window.

5. Outside on a blanket by a lake. Sounds romantic right? The mosquitoes thought so too.

6. Beach. Sandy. Bugs. Dog turds close by. No thanks.

7. In the pool. Water is not a good lubricant.

8. In the backseat of my car. We were parked out by a meadow one night and it was annoying because cars kept stopping, for whatever reason…can’t two people just pretend to watch the stars in peace??

9. It was on the edge of a cliff, but it was such an awkward position that my knees hurt from being on the ground, the scenery was beautiful though.

10. While sitting on a tree stump that was home to a colony of termites. That did not end well.

11. Bunk bed 100%. I’ve had one all my life and let me tell you when you’re on top and going to town you can’t sit up or you smack your head. She can’t get on top because she smacks her head. It’s just a terrible time.

12. In an old barn. There were ladders that brought you up to these second-story platforms along the walls. Floor was covered in hay. Woke up the next morning with some gnarly scratches, itches, and rashes.

13. A church bathroom during a wedding. Turns out even if you lock the bathroom door, priests have keys to open them.

14. In a hot tub, well how can that be bad? Screwed up my knees on the seats. Her dad caught us, and now I have screwed knees and an angry dad that wants to kill me.

15. On a front stoop in the middle of the fall. Concrete is hard as hell on the knees and the cold weather made it worse.

16. Hot leather sofa. I’m still stuck to it to this day.

17. The shower, without my glasses, head up to the showerhead and my eyes being flooded with water.

18. My ex’s grandma’s house. Everything about it felt wrong. The family pictures everywhere, the breach of trust, the ominous unspoken judgment lingering in the air… never again.

19. On a roof. Tiles digging into your ass and knees while worrying that the neighbors might see. Not the best look, but teenage hormones are something else.

20. Being part of the mile-high club isn’t much of an achievement. Airplane toilets are usually really small, unhygienic, and not soundproof. I don’t regret it though.

21. Abandoned water park. We probably have so many diseases from that.

22. Bottom of a cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy.

23. Slide on a playground. The sand caused friction burns on my knees and, oddly enough, toes.

24. In the only bathroom in the house while a party was going on. People were screaming and banging on the door trying to get us out.

25. A tent at a music festival during the summer. It was 30°, I was sunburnt head to toe, my friends were sitting about 2m away. It was awful.

26. Side of a dang hill. Freaking scraped the shit out of my knuckle trying to position myself better. The girl I was hooking up with tore the back of her shirt on a rock. It was a heat of the moment thing but we just gave up after like a minute, it was not enjoyable.

27. Restroom. Never again, too sketchy and my partner wouldn’t let me leave until she was done. It went from a fun idea to the worst idea.

28. On a public bus. We had a person sitting in every adjacent seat. The couple directly to our right were giving us thumbs up and other encouragement, but it was definitely one of those “we started, may as well finish” kind of scenarios even though it was super uncomfortable.

29. Living room floor sex. My ribs are still hurting and I have rug burns on my knees.

30. Why do people like car sex?? It’s awful. Not comfortable, cramped, and hot.