30 Hilarious Breakups (That Will Make You Feel Better About Your Own Sucky Love Life) 

1. I couldn’t find the right pair of stockings he liked, solely for his interest in ripping them during sex. When I told him to purchase a pair he liked, he dumped me, claiming I wanted a sugar daddy and not a boyfriend.

2. The girl told me she thought this boy who she had a crush on for a long time was gonna ask her out. She said this to me. Her then boyfriend.

3. She thought I killed her horse (it wasn’t actually her horse) with voodoo because I was jealous (it was a horse.)

4. College girlfriend’s Dad won 1 million dollars in the state lottery over winter break. Broke up with me over the phone, telling me, “Now that I’m rich, I can’t afford to date regular people like you. That’s really the only thing wrong, you’re just regular.”

5. I had a girl stop talking to me because my texts were green since I didn’t have an iPhone.

6. Because I ate my pizza with a knife and fork. She told me that it made me seem too upscale…

7. He said he didn’t want to see me anymore because he didn’t like that I had played with an Ouija board when I was a kid.

8. I was 21. He was 36. He dumped me because he was scared to tell his mum about us.

9. My college boyfriend was exposed to the swine flu (this was 2009). Being immuno compromised, I requested that we not see each other in person for a few days. He got super pissed at me and it precipitated our breakup (which was imminent, honestly, but this moved things along).

Now, swine flu didn’t amount to much in America, and he insistently mocked me for it for years, calling me crazy (we tried to stay friends for awhile afterwards, but there was bitterness). And yes, I was overly cautious in retrospect. But in light of all the COVID shit going on now, I don’t think I was that out of line.

10. We had been dating about a month and were carded at a bar. She looked at my ID and saw I was almost two months younger than her. She was mortified and said she doesn’t date younger guys because of how immature they are. We went out one more time and that was it.

11. Told her in passing that I had smoked pot in the past. I still do, but I didn’t get that far. She immediately flipped out and told me 5 of her friends had DIED from weed in the past year. This was a 36 year old human. I was stunned into silence.

12. I told him I didn’t like Star Wars.

He was really into it. And by that, I mean he watches the movies very often and has every single one of the Pop Figure things related to Star Wars.

Around the 5th time of watching a movie with him, I couldn’t lie anymore and told him that Star Wars wasn’t my thing and asked if we could watch something else.

He freaked out and I ended up walking home because he was starting to throw things. In hindsight, him throwing things over me not liking something he did was probably a hint that he wasn’t a great guy.

13. Ex wanted me to drop out of my Master’s program six months before graduation so I could work at Walmart for the rest of my life. And it hurt his feelings I had a higher degree than him. So him being ridiculous made me dump him.

14. “I love you so much and want to spend the rest of my life with you. We have to break up, if it’s really meant to be then we will end up together again like they do in the movies.”

15. My ex’s cat was named “Ben.” The girl I was dating’s cat was named “Bundles.”

One day, I called “Bundles,” “Ben.” She asked me what I just called her cat. I thought about it, and then remembered that was my ex’s cat’s name. I laughed and told her and she was super unimpressed. Broke up with me the next day.

16. Made a girl smile too much. She had braces and it cut up the inside of her mouth.

17. “You’re too normal.” And then she went back with her ex. An ex-convict pusher who thinks that a shiner is an act of love.

18. We went to rival colleges and I had graduated from the “bad” one. Yep.

19. I bought my GF one of the World of Warcraft expansion packs for her birthday. She started playing again — like she really got into it — and I hardly saw her. She’d play all night and would come to bed as I was getting up. To be clear, that made me want to dump her. But, what ended up happening was she started playing with her ex and it apparently rekindled their feelings for each other, because she dumped me after a couple of weeks of this shit and got back with him.

20. “God told me not to date you. I’m sorry.”

And guess what: this happened TWICE.

(With two different people.)

21. He dumped me because I cheated on him… In his dream!

22. Actually had a guy dump me because I’m a carpenter, and according to him, it’s just not lady like.

23. I wish I still had the text… Long story short. She was mad I DIDN’T grab her ass… In public… On our first date.

24. She found out the truck I was driving was owned by my mom.

25. I was dating a guy whose parents didn’t like me. It was a long distance relationship, and so we mostly chatted online but also made occasional phone calls. So we were talking on the phone, and at one point I said, “You shouldn’t have to choose between me and your parents…” The conversation continued, we decided to break up. We stayed friends. Something like 10 years later, we were talking online when the subject of our breakup came up. Turns out he thought I had said, “You should have to choose between me and your parents…” and decided that he wasn’t going to do that. I would never give someone that kind of ultimatum, that would be ridiculous. It blew my mind that a single misheard word caused us to break up, and we didn’t realize it for 10 years.

26. My boyfriend broke up with me because he was moving away to go to puppet school.

27. After going out with this guy for 6 months I asked him if we were dating and he immediately ghosted me.

28. One of my exes dumped me saying that he wanted to “be like Paul” from the Bible…

29. Not me but one of my friends who’s a senior in high school got dumped by her boyfriend who she dated for almost 2 years. He dumped her because he didn’t want to go to the school dance. A few days later he texted her to tell her that he wanted to get back together but she declined. He could have just told her that he didn’t want to go and still be her with her or just go to the stupid dance.

30. “We have to break up. I mean, we can’t even get married… you’re allergic to fish!”

She chose the occasional tuna sandwich over me. I laughed and still tell the story so I guess it’s a win!