Is That A Gun In Your Vagina… Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

I don’t have a vagina. But if I did have one, I’m pretty sure I’d think twice before I started shoving all sorts of weird stuff in there like it was an extra pocket made out of flesh. But hey, like I said, I don’t have a vagina. It seems like there are a lot of ins-and-outs and what-have-yous that you can’t truly understand unless you have one of your own. I like to think of vaginas the same way I think of Blackness: you can’t really understand it unless you understand it. I get that how that works. So, please, forgive me if I occasionally sound naïve as we attempt to make sense of a recent news story and figure out why a 19-year old girl would want to hide a loaded gun in her vagina. (Yeah, loaded.)

Like so many trips to county holding, this story starts with a suspended driver’s license. And it’s a nearly perfect example of the slippery slope of a life of a crime. First, you’re ignoring parking tickets. Next thing you know, you’re driving around on a suspended license. And boom, suddenly, you’re packing a loaded pistol in your vagina.

The perp in question is a young woman named Dallas Archer. As the story goes, Miss Archer was tooling around Tennessee when Johnny Law took an interest in her. Cops pulled her over and they discovered her driver’s license was suspended. Oops. They arrested her and brought her to the jail in some place called Kingsport, Tennessee. During their initial strip search, one of the deputies noticed something odd about Miss Archer’s vagina. A female cop and a jailhouse deputy took Miss Archer to the ladies room. After a quick search behind the meat curtains, the officers found a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina.”

To make matters worse, the gun was stolen. When the proper owner was contacted about its return he requested his hot pistol be dipped in bleach and cleaned of any residue left from its time spent in Miss Archer’s vagina. A fair request, I suppose. But didn’t anyone ask: Is this more taxpayer money being used frivolously, in this case, to clean vagina juice off a stolen pistol? Or maybe no one wants to ask that question. A better question to ask, what no one else seems to wonder about, but what I would’ve asked if I were there since it seems so obvious: Miss Archer, when you go out at night do you regularly pack a loaded firearm in your vagina?  That’s so gangster.

As wild as her story is, Dallas Archer and her badass vagina, are far from the first time a woman was booked into jail while packing heat in her va-jay-jay.

Just Like Tiggers … Vaginas Are Wonderful Things

Once again, this story did not take place in Florida. Way to go, Sunshine State! This bizarre incident took place in Oklahoma. The perp was with another woman, seated in a car that was noticeably alone in the parking lot of a restaurant that was closed since it was after-hours. Like, way after-hours. It was roughly 3:45 in the morning. That’s why police initially took an interest in Christie Dawn Harris. But imagine the cops’ surprise when they discovered there was so much more to her. She had so much more to offer.

While she was being transported to jail, Harris reportedly told the police she needed to use the restroom. But the police didn’t stop at a gas station for her to tinkle. Instead, they went directly to jail. As she was being booked and processed, Harris began to act suspiciously. Like, she was reluctant to lower her underwear for a strip search. Finally, she did. That’s when Officer Kathy Unbewust noticed the perp had the oddest vagina jewelry ever. “I observed at that time a wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina area.” Officer Unbewust sprang into action and “pulled the item from her vagina, and found it to be a 5 shot revolver with rounds in the chamber.”

Once again, the gun is loaded. I guess if you’re gonna pack heat in your honeypot you wanna be able to pull your pistol and start solving problems without having to reach back in and find your bullets. (Probably.)

The Woman Who Mistook Her Vagina For Her Handbag

It’s not always a gat that a gal wants to hide in her vagina. Sometimes she just wants to tuck away a few essentials, you know, like she has a second purse between her legs.

In 2011, in Pennsylvania, a 27-year old woman named Karin Mackaliunas, was in a one-car accident. That’s not the funny part. That was just bad luck. When the police arrived, they informed her she was a suspect for a recent robbery. They took her into custody. After a routine search, they discovered three bags of heroin in her coat. Oops!

But that was just small change because Mackaliunas told the police she had “hidden more heroin in her vagina.” After they conducted a cavity search, police discovered “54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used for packaging heroin, 8 ½ prescription pills and fifty-one dollars and twenty-two cents.” 

It seems Mackaliunas thought her vagina was the best place to hide her drug stash and her spare change. But apparently, in her haste, she’d missed three bags of heroin in the pocket of her coat.  Double Oops!

Sometimes while I’m driving around Los Angeles, I’ll catch myself wondering:

Why would she put 51 dollars and 22 cents in her vagina?

Didn’t it jingle when she walked?

Did sh e not have anyone to teach her money is like, really, really unclean?

Was “vagina-as-second-purse” just a last-second decision she made when the police lights flashed? 

But this is the way of the amateur. They never consider what do when and if things go wrong. That’s why they end up with fifty-one dollars and twenty-two cents in their vagina.

Now, we shouldn’t just pick on female criminals. Because, brothers and sisters, leave it to a man to come up with a plan so much dumber, so much crazier and down-right, flat-out dirrrrrty, that it actually boggles the mind.

Son, It’s Time I Teach You How To French-Kiss

This one’s a father-son story for the ages. And I’m sorry to say, Florida, but he’s one of yours, he’s a proud son of the Sunshine State.

Say what you want about his fashion sense and life choices, but you have to admit, 56-year old career criminal and Florida resident, Donald Curtis Denney, is certainly a dreamer. He and his imprisoned son, “the Hard-Hat Bandit,” put their minds together and imagined a truly sick-and-twisted scheme. But unaware of the fact their phones were tapped, the father and son duo devised a way to smuggle heroin into the prison where the son was incarcerated while the police listened in on their scheme. And oh! what a scheme it was.

Dad’s plan was to use the presumed love of a father for his son to distract onlookers from their crime. If he heard of their subterfuge, I’m sure Ol’ Bill Shakespeare would probably shake his damn head and say, “Even I would’ve never thought of that plot.”

Their plan was elegant and timelessly stupid. Dad would purchase a golf ball-sized quantity of black tar heroin. And before visiting his son, he planned to shove the golf ball of heroin into his ass. Once inside the prison, he’d transfer the heroin from his rectum to his mouth. Then, while in the visitors’ room with his son, he’d pass the heroin to his boy with a mouth-to-mouth kiss. You know, just like how most fathers and sons greet each other. (Yes… this was really their plan.)

That bit of genius took these two criminal masterminds months of phone calls to orchestrate. Aware of their plan, thanks to the tapped phone lines, the state police waited for the magical day to arrive. When Donald, who is a previously convicted felon, arrived at prison on visiting day, prison officials conducted a full body cavity search. They discovered the golf ball of heroin in Donald’s anus and promptly arrested him.

So, what did we learn today, kids? It seems that using the human body as a “hidey hole” for guns and drugs is a really popular choice for amateur criminals and drug smugglers. And it works about as well as using your mouth to hold your car keys. I mean, sure they’ll fit there, you can manage it, and it’ll probably work for awhile, but you’re really overlooking so many better places. A vagina probably shouldn’t be in your Top Ten List of places to stash your gun, drugs and folding money. But hey, like I said, I don’t have a vagina. What do I know?

I’ll leave you with this final thought. It’s a fun way for us to consider the gender divide. This is a perfect example of how our bodies often will determine our thinking. Since we’re not gifted with a vaginal cavity, men have limited choices of where we can stick our drugs and guns other than our ass. Well, that is… unimaginative men are limited. Some dudes think a little more “outside the box,” if you’ll pardon the pun.

Obviously, He’s Not One Of The Chosen People

When career criminal, Antoine Banks, was pulled over for a routine traffic stop in Kentucky, he already knew he was probably headed for jail. Banks thought he’d set himself up for his time behind bars. But he forgot one thing. Deputies would pat him down before they showed him to his cell. As the jailhouse deputies frisked him, the officers felt an odd bulge in his underwear. They discovered a bag of cocaine tied to the waistband of his boxers. Huh. I don’t know how that got there, officers. Curious about what else they might find, the deputies conducted a full strip search.

They noticed an equally odd bulge in the head of his penis. Turns out, Banks had peeled back his foreskin and secreted away a second bag of cocaine between the head and foreskin. He shoved coke into his head of his cock because, it seems, Antoine Banks really couldn’t picture doing time behind bars without some cocaine. Right now, somewhere in in the funk-and-disco section of Heaven, Rick James is having a hell of a laugh.