Diagnosing And Treating Your Life Troubles Using ‘90s Hip-Hop (Vol. One)

Rappers are like lion-tamers. They’re brave bastards eager to prove themselves against the savagery of life. They’re all about the struggling and hustling to be the best that’s ever been. Right now, there’s a ton of great hip-hop being produced- plenty of mad ninjas like Odd Future, Mykki Blanco, Joey Bada$$ and Chance the Rapper, dropping mixtapes and albums reminiscent of the best days in hip-hop, the legendry ‘90s. And out there, past the horizon, stalking in the darkness, is Death Grips. They’re so far ahead of the boasting crowd they’re in a league of their own. But rather than grab wisdom from the ones coming up, let’s follow their example and pull from the Golden Era of hip-hop. Let’s dig in the crates and find some insights to solve our modern troubles.

Life will sometimes beat on you, wear you down, drive you crazy, crack open your ribcage, yank out your heart and stomp on that bloody organ, while you helplessly watch. But don’t worry. There’s a time-tested antidote. Music. Not only will it soothe the savage beast, it’ll get you through some tough shit, whether it’s a bad break-up, a shitty boss, or life with your ignorant-ass roommate. Music is rhythmic power set to a beat. It’s often the soundtrack of your life’s great moments, like first kisses, make-up sex and long drives on a summer road trip. But it’s so much more than background sound, it also gives you the strength to keep going when all you want to do is quit. It gives you inspiration when you feel like shit. Music is medicine for weary souls.

I contacted an old friend of mine, Dr. Smokestack Lightning, the world-renowned musicologist and freelance medical practitioner. Together we developed something that’s part diagnostic tool and part mixtape. If you need some catharsis, let the Boom-Bap, G-Funk and Underground backpack rap be a salve for whatever ails you.

1. Have you reached the edge and feel like you’re hanging by your fingertips?

Life will kick you in the ovaries, it’ll strap on golf shoes and stomp on your balls. Like a constipated colon life does not give a shit. Sometimes, you’ll feel pushed, driven to the edge, and the only thing separating you from the abyss is the grip of your fingertips. Rather than talk you down, here’s some crazy muthafuckas to talk you up. Shake off the stress of your “human form” with this underground banger.

Organized Konfusion “Stress”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoJ37xCi3KQ&w=584&h=390]

2. Are you angry, mad at the world for the injustices done to you or others?

Then embrace it. Sometimes the only way to get past it is to go through it and transcend it. This hard-ass beat will clang and bang the pain away with the anger of centuries. Take a listen to the wisdom of these righteous Black Nationalist rhymers. Let the pain motivate you. Let the anger fuel you. And then when you get close to what you want, rejoice at how far you’ve come. To live in the past is impossible, but it can always push you forward. Vitality means growth. Let this flow push you to grow! Pink Caddy, black boot stomping, yesss!

X-Clan “Fire & Earth”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXG3mdJpo2c&w=584&h=390]

3. Money troubles? Are you stuck in a world of Haves and Have-Nots?

Broke as a joke? Almost all of us have been there a time or two before. The world will look bleak because you’ve gotta nothing but a free week and no cash to supply it with fun, sun or travel. And the only moving you can afford is to go for a run. Well… that’s just how it is sometimes. The key is to not to lose your mind or embrace crime because behind bars is no way to spend your time. Let this track remind you of the options you don’t need to take. Don’t hustle your future. Trust that you never know what tomorrow holds in its hands. Just make it there to see what lies in your future. You’ll always be surprised. That’s a promise.

The Coup “Fat Cats and Bigga Fish”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-v-rIWUAQuI&w=584&h=390]

4. Do you struggle to look out for you? Do you feel swept up by the flow of life?

Before Odd Future, Pro Era, or Save Money, the Wu Tang Clan was the maddest crew of ninjas with attitudes (NWA was a business venture invented by Eazy-E). If you don’t know what to do, if you keep making the wrong choices, well, rather than listen to any one m.c. you ought to sharpen your mental pencil with this collective of crazy badheads. Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Method Man, Ghostface, GZA and RZA (just to name my faves) will coach you up, get you chopping down your doubts, crushing the face of your fear and striking on-point like the stinger of a killer bee. Just remember… “You must think first before you move.”

Wu-Tang Clan  “Da Mystery of Chessboxin’”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJk0p-98Xzc&w=584&h=390]

5. Is you heart hurting? Is your love life bleak? You feel crushed by your crush?

You know and I know we’ve all had a crush. They’re wonderful like summer fun… until they aren’t and they go bad. Which makes them similar to seafood, dairy products and child stars. Well, The Pharcyde wrote possibly the best song to ever capture the longing, disillusionment and powerlessness of a crush. If your crush has gone wrong let The Pharcyde remind you… you’re not alone. Like a funhouse mirror, they’ll remind you crushes are distortions you project. And like a mirror, if you don’t want to stare at it anymore, you can always walk away. If you need to get over the crush that’s brushed you off- bounce your brain to this one. And when you’re done… go find yourself some new fun.

The Pharcyde “Passin’ Me By”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjsPG0Kspxo&w=584&h=390]

6. Do you suffer from unfulfilled sexual longings?

You want ‘em. They know it. You chase ‘em. They let you. You almost catch ‘em. But then they’re gone. For good. Shit. Close but no wet cigar. It happens to everyone. And Mos Def is feelin’ you. He lays down this track that paints the scenes of his fascination with a girl who shook up his world… but he never got her. Some birds can’t be caught. No trouble even if they burst your bubble. You just have to enjoy the chase and when you lose, like Mos Def, take the news with a smile on your face. And then find a new bird. As long as you aren’t dead… there’s always another one.

Mos Def  “Ms. Fat Booty”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01yUzXQctcM&w=584&h=390]

7. Are you frequently confused by social and/or sexual cues?

Are you blind to wedding rings? Do you ignore brush-offs and don’t mind a drink tossed in your face? Do you think everyone is always playing hard to get? Maybe… just maybe, it’s not them. It’s you. Don’t listen to me, one-hit wonder Positive K wrote a bouncy little song dedicated to your struggle. It’s all about the desperate power of positive thinking smashing its head against the brick wall of indifference. And that wall don’t give a fuck because it just keeps saying, “I Gotta Man.”