Wes Janisen

I’d also appreciate it if you brought me someone who will have regular sex with me throughout the holidays and into the New Year! It’s getting colder out, the nights are longer, and while fuzzy slippers and a warm blanket are comforting, it’s not as comforting as a naked body huddled up next to you, post-coital.

Shopping on the clearance rack is a lot like dating, in that one must sort through hundreds of bad items in order to find the small handful of good ones. There will be tons of things you don’t need as well as plenty of items that might have been great at one point, but now possess some glaring defect.

You might think you already have some good ideas when it comes to turning away potential admirers, but you’d be wrong. Let’s go over some of the most common Straight Guy responses to gay come-ons, and what would happen if they were actually used.

I go to the grocery store and eschew all delicious desserts and salty snacks, opting instead for celery and fat free yogurt. In the cereal aisle, I put down the Fruit Loops and pick up the Fiber One. I go to the mall and buy new running shoes, sometimes even going as far as to break them in with a nice easy jog around my neighborhood one night. I buy a bathroom scale and cut out a picture from a magazine for “thinspiration.”

“Uhhh,” I stammered, already getting very uncomfortable. “I know you have to be naked, right? And you, um, hug or something?” My dad was smiling as I wracked my brain trying to remember the details of every sex scene I had witnessed on television, before my mom could change the channel. If he felt awkward too, he was doing a great job of hiding it.

I always hear people talking about how much they hate using public restrooms, but these people are obviously only using the facilities to empty their bladders/colons. Here are five other activities you can do in a public restroom to make them more exciting and interesting for everyone involved.