Wes Janisen

I would like to be buried, not cremated, the reason for this being partly because the mere thought of burning flesh makes me nauseous, but mostly because I don’t want anyone making any “flaming homosexual” jokes as I’m being set ablaze.

Why is he laughing at me? First he judges me and then he laughs in my face? Um, sorry dude, you’re not my dad, you’re not allowed to do that!

I didn’t think about you once today, for the first time since I met you. When I woke up this morning, my first thought was simply that it was too cold to get out of bed; I did not wish that you were lying there beside me.

Since the dawn of portable speakers, music has played an integral role in setting the mood for sexyfuntimes, proving as useful as candles, massage oil, and fuzzy pink handcuffs.

There are so many expressions which reiterate the importance of indulging every now and then: “all work and no play,” “early to rise and early bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead,” and my all-time-favorite, “treat yo self!”

Eye color? I know I have a soft-spot for pretty blue eyes, but does it actually make a difference what color they are as long as there’s love behind them when they look back at you?

It’s sad to think about how much I will miss you, how I will long for us to resolve our differences and get back together, but you’ll barely notice I’ve left. I guess that’s what happens when you breakup with a city though. They go on just fine without you.

I am certainly not ashamed of my sexual orientation, but I am no more proud of being gay than I am proud that I have brown hair. I may not feel the need to hide my sexuality, but that doesn’t mean I want to march down the street in a thong and feather boa either.

Did you catch your boyfriend sexting his other secret girlfriend? Allow me to make sure those pictures are ‘accidentally’ forwarded to everyone in his phonebook, email, and high school yearbook, including his mother, boss, and 10th grade algebra teacher.

Good or bad, I think our first kiss is important because it teaches us something about ourselves. Certainly, the mere fact that kissing is our first literal taste of physical romance makes the first one unforgettable, but I think every kiss holds a message that makes it meaningful as well.

Make sure to keep a smile plastered on your face the entire time he’s talking about this new guy, or else run the risk that your disappointment will spread from your eyes to the rest of your face and betray you.

What should I wear to this thing, is it more classy or casual? I’ll wear whatever you tell me to, I’ll be your very own Ken doll! Okay, well I’m fatter than Ken, but at least my underwear comes off!

Now, after realizing I spent way more time imagining the dress (A-line dress… wait no, Princess-line with lace trimmings) than the woman wearing it, and now that I have taken the moniker of fairy princess for myself, I believe that running away with the Best Man is a far more likely scenario.

I challenge you to, next time you’re at a party, pull down your pants and pee on the floor in front of everyone. As a dog, you’d be forgiven after flashing a fake smile and giving your ass a little shake. As a person, you’re lucky if nobody calls the cops.

It’s that it-factor, that natural chemistry that’s lacking. You always used to think that when people talked about ‘the spark’ they were full of crap, but there you are: sparkless and uninterested. Go on a second date, then a third, then a fourth. Wait patiently to start feeling attached. Keep waiting.

Oftentimes, we say one thing, but mean quite another. However, there are also those of us (we, the neurotics) who look so hard for hidden subtext in sincere remarks, we end up blowing things way out of proportion.

I think in the same way it’s popular to get behind a charitable cause without doing all your research, it is also popular to condemn causes which get so much rapid attention that they seem like nothing more than fads.

Vodka has been my go-to Valentine for as long as we’ve known each other, but I make sure to treat it properly every day of the year, not just when it suits me. I don’t know if I’d be as romantic or idealistic as to say it was love at first swig, but we’ve definitely built a solid relationship throughout the years.