Stupid Things I’ve Said To Guys I’ve Had Crushes On

I was out having cocktails with a friend last week, happily making jokes and bantering back and forth, when my slightly buzzed companion said the most heinous thing to me. “Wes, you’re so funny,” she said. “How is it you can’t manage to find yourself a boyfriend?”

Okay. The rational part of my brain knows that my friend was attempting to pay me a compliment and I know I wasn’t supposed to read too much into it and I know I wasn’t supposed to retaliate by stabbing her in the eye with my cocktail straw, but honestly, why couldn’t she have stopped at the word “funny?” Because while a normal person might have been mildly aggravated for a few minutes and then moved on with his life, I went home and actually tried to figure out the answer to that b*tch’s flippant question.

I did this by sitting down in my room and composing a list of guys I have had crushes on, who never became my boyfriend (which, if illustrated by a Venn diagram, would just look like one perfect circle) and then began hunting for instances in which I may have said the wrong thing at the wrong time. I mined my memory, every text on my cell phone, and Facebook messages dating all way back to 2009 — which I think is when I started to go wrong by actually talking to guys I like — and assembled my embarrassing list of stupid statements. This, dear readers, is that list:

Wow, pad thai looks different when it’s served all neatly on a plate like this. Hey, wanna know what I just realized!? I’ve never actually eaten pad thai anywhere but my living room from one of those Styrofoam take-out boxes! Sure is nice to get out of the house for a change!

I just saw the cutest dog that reminded me of you!

Yeah, of course you can use my kitchen to bake a cake for your boyfriend! His birthday is tonight, right?

According to some yoga practices, there are actually a lot of benefits to celibacy. Personally, celibacy has not resulted in any increased energy or nonviolent tendencies for me, as I am tired most of the time and often want to brutally run over pedestrians who take too long in cross walks, but maybe there’s something to it. Maybe sex really is overrated.

Wes is short for Weslee, but all my friends call me Xander! Actually, nobody’s ever called me Xander. Would be weird if they did though, huh?

Oh, cool, you met on OkCupid? You know, I got really drunk and made an OkCupid profile once. I actually didn’t find out about it till weeks later when I checked the spam folder in my email — apparently I registered the username MuffinMan219. How crazy is that? I guess I crave both muffins and a boyfriend when I’m blacked out, who knew!? Anyway, nobody messaged me.

I guess I’m a fan of cuddling, but only in specific situations. For example, I never cuddle on public transportation, but I always cuddle after someone gives me money, candy, or drugs.

A crush on you? You wish buddy, not in a million years!

Yeah, I guess you could say I had a crush on you, but that was long time ago. Like, a million years ago!

What should I wear to this thing, is it more classy or casual? I’ll wear whatever you tell me to, I’ll be your very own Ken doll! Okay, well I’m fatter than Ken, but at least my underwear comes off!

Your uncle does missile analysis? Wow, what a weird coincidence, that’s kind of what my dad does for a living. How many people have that job, I wonder… Ohmygod, what if it turns out my dad is your uncle and we’re actually related! That would be terrible luck! Well, I guess when you think about it, it wouldn’t really matter. I mean, we’ve never met until this point in our lives, being long-lost cousins wouldn’t be that big of a deal; we don’t feel like family. And since gay sex rarely leads to offspring, I guess we don’t have to worry about a resulting deformed child either… Wow, I just put way too much thought into this, didn’t I?

Well, I guess you could say I figured out why I’m still single. While this list might be good for a laugh (or if you’re me, the catalyst for Shame Fest 2012), it doesn’t help anyone unless there are lessons to be learned. So, after much reflection and only four glasses of wine, here is what I think we should take from this:

Repress the urge to over-share; silence really can be golden.

When you’re trying to think of a random excuse to text someone, try to come up with something better than a comparison to a four-legged animal, no matter how cute it was.

Try not to fall for people who are unavailable. But, when it happens, you need to stop going out of your way to do favors for him and certainly don’t help bake a cake for “the other guy.”

Don’t talk about being celibate; you don’t want to seem asexual or desperate in any way.

Don’t force jokes that are simply aren’t funny, you’re trying way too hard, Xander.

If it comes up, don’t lie about your feelings. Own up to your crush and maybe you’ll find out the feeling is mutual. And if not, at least you’ll have flattered someone you like.

And finally, do not, under any circumstances, make a joke about potentially being related to someone you hope to see naked one day. You freak.