ANIMALS: The Chronicals Of Dandy And Lion
By 
Viva Bianca
LION, a small man dressed in sweats, comes home carrying shopping bags to find DANDY, a larger woman dressed in old men’s pajamas, in a ‘state’.
LION: (playfully, theatrically) Honey, I’m home!!
DANDY: Close the door! Quick! You’re letting in a gust!
LION: I’ve only just opened it, chill.
DANDY: “Chill, chiiilll!!”
LION: Whoa…! everything OK?? I got you Nutella.
DANDY: If you can call 32 rejections in 24 hours on careerbuilder.com “OK”… And piss off, I don’t need you fattening me up for confinement.
LION: It was on the list…! Confinement? Chill.
DANDY: CHILLLL… “I’m a gym bunny now everybody, I’M SO CHIIILLLED..!!”
LION: Stop it. You’re spitting saliva all over the plasma. Why don’t you take a bath.
Lion begins to unpack groceries. Dandy throws a couple of kitchen towels over the plasma TV, opens a drawer beneath the TV and takes out a small TIN.
LION: Whydya do that? I was gonna watch that.
DANDY: Mediocrity depresses me. Read a book.
LION: Get a job.
DANDY: I would. It’s not my fault I’m a —
DANDY/LION: – Botanist.
Their eyes meet.
LION: Yeah, I know. But there’s a job opening down at Starbucks.
DANDY: I’m too old.
LION: No you’re not.
DANDY: I don’t drink coffee.
LION: But you eat muffins.
DANDY: I have a university degree.
Beat.
Maintaining Lion’s gaze, Dandy pulls out a pre-rolled JOINT from the TIN and lights it.
Beat.
LION: What are you doing?
DANDY: What does it look like I’m doing?
LION: It looks like you’re smoking a joint.
DANDY: That’s precisely what I’m doing Lion.
Beat.
LION: Well… Can you take it outside?
DANDY: It’s blowing a gail.
LION: And you’re blowing smoke. Can you take it outside?
DANDY: ‘Doctor said cold was bad for my arthritis.
LION: And how about cannabis?
DANDY: Good for anxiety.
LION: I’d like you to put it out.
DANDY: I’d like you to drink full-cream milk.
LION: Put it out Dandy.
DANDY: No.
Beat.
LION: Where d’ya get it?
DANDY: I know people.
LION: Where d’ya get it?
DANDY: (coyly) There are things about me that you don’t know Mister.
LION: Dandy.
DANDY: You seem to forget I’m a plant professional, Lion.
LION: I don’t like your tone today.
DANDY: Well I don’t like your sweat pants but I was gonna keep that to myself.
LION: You’re high.
DANDY: You’re sly.
LION: Take a bath.
DANDY: Don’t you like me dirty?
LION: Take a bath.
DANDY: I don’t like your dick.
LION: What?
DANDY: You heard me.
LION: What?
DANDY: You heard me.
LION: What did you say?
DANDY: I. Don’t. Like. Your. Dick.
Beat.
LION: So this is about that.
Beat.
LION: Come here and kiss me.
DANDY: How much are you gonna pay?
LION: 30 minutes in-between your legs.
DANDY: No in dollars. I’m broke and I need things.
LION: What things? I just bought us a whole week of groceries.
DANDY: Like today I wanted a Rolo.
LION: A what?
DANDY: Yeah, ya see? It wasn’t on the list. Those little chocolates piled up on one another. I knew I needed at least two dollars so I found myself crawling around the bedroom floor searching for pennies, worming my way under the bed like a smacky scrambling for scraps.
LION: Did you get one?
DANDY: (shaking her head) It was humiliating.
LION: Come here and kiss me.
DANDY: I want a new dress.
LION: You have a dress.
DANDY: I want a new one.
LION: What dress?
DANDY: It’s red.
LION: Where d’ya see it?
DANDY: On shopbop.
LION: How much?
DANDY: 250.
LION: 250.
DANDY: On sale.
Beat.
LION: Ok, I’ll pay you 325. That way you can buy some high heels. I use to like you in high-heels.
DANDY: On sale.
LION: Your slender ankles…
DANDY: I know just the pair.
LION: To match your dress.
DANDY: My rate’s just gone up.
LION: 325.
DANDY: 340. You got a deal.
Beat.
LION: For a hundred and three kisses then. Deal.
Beat.
DANDY: I like the way your eyes look as though you have mascara or eyeliner or whatever around them but you don’t. You’re handsome Li, a real natural. I don’t tell you enough.
Beat.
I’ll take that bath now.
She exits. 
