7 Little Things I Wish I Could Tell My Late Father This Father’s Day

1. I really miss hot dogs.

You really made the very best hotdogs; at least they always tasted perfect to me. I loved the fact that you boiled them, instead of frying them to the point of being burnt. You knew exactly how I liked them, with a side of chips and a cup of juice (probably lemonade). Somehow the combination was just right, no matter what season it was, or what day it was. Now I am a vegetarian.

2. You will not believe how much has happened around here.

I know you loved to gossip, and let me tell you-there’s a ton I would have to catch you up on. My sister and her boy problems, my mother and her frivolous spending, grandpa and his mood swings, just to start. Oh and we haven’t even touched upon any of my ex-boyfriends.

3. I am so angry at you.

I know you didn’t mean to die. The coroner regarded your death to be an accidental drug overdose. But there are days (if not every day) where I wake up infuriated at the fact that you left me. You died when I was only 20 years old. And I am so angry with you for leaving me. How could you just abandon me? This world is difficult enough, and now I don’t even have you to turn to.

4. But when the anger subsides, I realize how much I miss you.

I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. And every day, I miss you more and more. I miss the way we used to laugh about anything and everything. I miss movie hopping with you, trying to sneakily avoid the movie theatre ushers. I miss the times we sang Adele’s love songs at the top of our lungs because c’mon, she really is the best singer of all time. I miss our walks, arm in arm, not even talking, yet feeling totally connected.

5. I forgive you.

Let’s be honest here. You were an alcoholic throughout my entire life, yet we both downright avoided the issue. I let it slide time and time again. And when you went to jail, over, and over, and over, I was there writing you letters back, and frantically answering my phone, listening to the automated voice message informing me that you were trying to reach me from a jail facility. And despite each slab of disappointment I felt, or each time I felt crushed that you had fallen down the same dark path, if you were here today, I would finally tell you that I forgive you.

6. I am doing my best.

I really am. After you died, I fell into a working frenzy. I worked 60 hours a week, trying to numb the pain I felt, desperate to escape my feelings. But eventually I came to my senses, and quit that crappy ass job. I got back with my old therapist, and am spending more time with my family. I am finally dealing with my grief, instead of ignoring it. It’s not easy, but like I said, I am doing my best.

7. I loved you unconditionally.

You were my best friend, my partner in crime, and my ultimate cheerleader. I loved you despite your flaws, despite the fact that you were out of my life when I was only a baby, and despite all the times you wound up in jail. I loved you despite your imperfections. And that, is unconditional love.