There’s One Thing Missing From All Romantic Movies And I Have Some Questions

Is no one going to bring this up? Are we just not going to discuss this? No? Fine, I will.

We’ve all seen movies where two young, attractive, single, hip, people meet at the bar. Sparks are flying, juices are pumping. Clearly, the writers of this movie have led us to believe that they are on the verge of engaging in an intense love making scene.

So we’re in the bar, and then all of a sudden we cut to a dark bedroom (presumably the female’s apartment according to stereotypes) and the attractive protagonists burst through the door in an intense fire of passion. They are sucking face and stripping one another clothes off. Clumsily navigating there way to the nearest bedroom, thus initiating the sex. But what the fuck were they doing from the time it took them to get from the bar to the bedroom?

Am I to believe that these two individuals were forcefully sucking face all the way there, throwing one another around in public? Did they burst through the subway doors making out on the A train? Did the male throw the female onto a street light and face fuck there? Did they start at the bar go from there? Were they commuting on the sidewalk, sword fighting with their tongues in public? I’m thoroughly confused. They never show the commute!

At some point when they were in the bar, after the filmmakers cut away, did the characters come to a mutual agreement on how and when and where they would start this heated embrace? Did they casually grab a taxi and nonchalantly discuss the current political climate as if the male wasn’t about to enter via her love canal? Did they calmly walk up to the front door of whoever’s home and then out of nowhere, all the blood rushed to there uglies and they just went at it?

Let’s say they were drunk. How the hell did they navigate to one of their apartments so well? If you’re drunk enough to sleep with some random you just met at a bar, how are you not too drunk to navigate from one location to the other? I can hardly navigate the MTA sober and without the intentions of sleeping with someone. Also, I feel like the commute would give them a good amount of time to sober up. So the decisions being made would have been slightly more rational.

I mean, it’s obvious when they get to whoever’s home, they’re going to have sex. We all know that part, we don’t need a “50 Shades of Grey” reenactment, but what about the commute! I’m 50 shades of confused.

Now, if I ever find myself in a situation where I’m trying to find a way to fill the time between the bar and the bedroom, I won’t know what to do. It’ll be awkward and arduous and the passion would be lost shortly after us departing the bar and now I’m not getting laid. So, thank you Hollywood, for once again, doing a poor job of portraying the real world.