I’m Sorry I Couldn’t Love You Right

“First, you think the worst is a broken heart. What’s gonna kill you is the second part, And the third is when your world splits down the middle, And fourth, you’re gonna think that you fixed yourself. Fifth, you see them out with someone else, And the sixth, is when you admit you may have fucked up a little.” — The Script

This song, was just that, nothing more than a song to me, but a few days ago a friend mentioned how he had reached the sixth degree of separation. Thinking about it, I realized I seemed to have reached what they refer to as the sixth degree of separation too. I’ve reached the point, where I can look at our relationship from a bird’s eye view, and that’s where I realize ‘I may have fucked up a little’.

So this is where I sincerely apologize to you, for all the times I may have hurt you. I’m sorry I never realized that my actions could possibly hurt you, but I guess it’s because you seemed happier than ever. Out of all the people in this world, I should’ve known you, being you, will never show anyone that you’re hurt. I’m sorry I’m the person that hurt you, and so because of that you couldn’t even tell me you were hurt. I’m sorry, I should’ve been there to take care of you because I know you would’ve told me.

Love, it’s such a weird thing. It makes us do things we never know we’re capable of. I did things, that even I don’t believe I did. I bet looking back at our relationship even you must’ve realized you did things, you can’t imagine yourself doing. I’m sorry that after everything that happened, you are forced to regret me. You are forced to regret ever loving the person I had become.

I’m sorry I was too busy trying to heal myself, that I forgot you need healing too.

I’m sorry for turning into a terrible and an unlovable person. I’d never loved anyone that much, and I’d never expected myself to love anyone that much. So I didn’t know how to act or react. I never really knew the dos and don’ts of love. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to show you I care. I thought as long as I was trying to talk to you, it was okay.

I didn’t realize, I wasn’t saying the right things. I thought if I kept pointing out your flaws, you’d understand how much I loved you regardless of them. I didn’t realize what I should’ve been doing was, telling you how much I love you, and how much you mean to me.

They say the hardest thing in this world is to love someone who doesn’t love you back. That’s not true, the hardest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you, because someone who doesn’t love you, may fall in love with you, but someone who used to is done loving you; they’ve let go of anything they ever felt for you, and its impossible to bring it back.

My ego would never directly let me tell you how I felt about you, and when I finally realized it was too late. I don’t need you to love me anymore. I need to forgive myself for doing you wrong and I need to forgive myself for “fucking up a little”. I want to be able to get through to you, and make it up to you for what I did to you, for not being there when you needed me most. I want you to know that unconditionally caring about someone is not as bad as it seems, and not everyone will screw up like me.

I need you to let me back in, so I can finish what I started, and then leave once and for all.