Tracy Lum

Often, I had to stop running to catch my breath, and the trimmer kids would lap me and laugh. That kind of thing is emotionally damaging to an eight-year-old, and it’s not something you easily forget, even as you’re about to turn 26.

Of all her many friends and relatives, she’s selected you, declared you as one of the elite members of her social circle.

At the end of every run is a mountain of food.

I recognize that you have grown accustom to sharing your boundless happiness with me, but this time, honestly, I want no part in your extravagant getaway replete with couples massages and erotic poetry.

Things that are so basic, intimate, familiar and universal to the modern girl-to-woman experience that when we hear them it’s like listening to a friend setting our own diaries to music.

Although I have no doubt that this is an efficient and effective way of meeting someone you could one day marry or even just pass part of your life with, it’s simply not what I personally want. In this one instance, I don’t want efficiency; I want the old-fashioned, crazy love story.

3. Birth a child.

For your real friends, the ones who matter, do something more considerate than merely writing on their wall.

Here are nine (albeit slightly ridiculous) ways to get out of it, some of which assume you are a badass out to start some trouble.

3. When illustrated with GIFs, these lists tend to make me literally laugh out loud at inappropriate times.

I may have frostbite that requires medical attention, after waiting three hours in the bitter, below-freezing cold last night outside Club Monaco in New York City, and not meeting Mindy Kaling.

So what if I’ve never had a boyfriend? I’ve been busy getting stuff done, getting stellar grades, running a newspaper, kicking butt at my job.