5 Things Only Women Should Do

Attention, men—that is, whatever’s left of you out there—stick to these guidelines to sharpen your edges. These seemingly harmless social delinquencies slowly erode your status in the eyes of women, I promise. And if the people who write on here are any indication, making an impersonal promise to strangers is the strongest kind of promise there is.

1. Wear a saddle bag on your motorcycle

Guys, lose them. It’s worse than putting a spoiler on a minivan. If a motorcycle is your only mode of transportation, you’re probably homeless and don’t have any possessions to carry with you anyway. Wear a fucking backpack. If you fall off, it will at least give you a chance at breaking your fall. This one is a bit tricky since ideally your woman is not on a motorcycle to begin with. But if she were a biker bitch, bags would obviously be permissible.

2. Drink iced coffee

That titanic sugary cylinder and its bright red straw should only be slurped by candy-colored lips—and certainly not by the slimy, pimply kind wearing a Futurama shirt.

3. Wear aprons

Unless you’re a spot welder or a butcher, an apron should not touch your torso. Barbecuers, I’m giving you a stern, disapproving stare. Why the fuck does a masculine activity suddenly make you want think it’s OK to don an almost-skirt? If you’re worried about getting dirty outside, friggin’ wear a shitty T-shirt and jeans!

4. Carry umbrellas

Be a man and just walk in the goddamn rain. It’s refreshing. No little-girl running, either. Stoic walks only. Covering your head with a newspaper is OK.

5. Wear sandals

I hesitated to even put this one down because I thought everyone had received the manifesto by now, but I don’t even need to leave the workplace to witness this atrocity. It’s not even about being disgusted by feet; it’s about looking like a goofy little kid wearing something impractical and counterproductive on the bottom of the appendages most responsible for your very survival.