Tony Heartman

In order to throw off these conveniently invisible shackles, they have started dyeing their armpit hairs in bright, funky colors to protest what they see as another symptom of the patriarchy.

I recently left the crass, frozen bosom of my ancestral New England for the impossibly colder Midwest—specifically Michigan.

Jolly Ol’ Hitler keeps reinventing himself after death, and he’s even more gangsta now than Tupac.

4. Carry umbrellas
Be a man and just walk in the goddamn rain.

Let’s all support #LateLateNormNorm and make late-night TV dangerous again.

If you thought white people weren’t confronting these guilt pangs, you’re kind of wrong!

You guys are making it way too easy for me out there.

It’s hard to pinpoint the straw that finally broke PC’s back.

I’m from the Boston area, but shared grief makes me nauseous. This constant “Boston Strong” incantation needs to stop.

I have witnessed firsthand friends—and former lady-killers—mutate into slovenly, fleshy, farty fans of fantastical fights.

The further we march into this new year, the more I desire to recede into the past—to leave our intolerably tolerant modern world and reflect back to a time when people’s feelings didn’t infect every goddamn crevice of our ultimately pointless lives.

I’ve compiled a helpful, truncated list, since most of your pathetic, bite-sized attention spans can’t handle any traditional long form. This list has been compiled through much personal trial and error with healthy doses of shame.