Tommy Paley

Are you old?

Remember to feign interest during this stage of small talk even if it feels like a small part of your soul is being vacuumed through your ears.

Greeting her and welcoming her to “the date” is a potential landmine ready to explosively and preemptively end the whole thing before it even starts.

Each day you log on to check your numbers, to see that overnight, enthusiastic hordes of readers have once again viewed, read, recommended, shared and responded with glowing praise for your work. Everyone loves you.

Pulp Fiction, Nonfiction, and the occasional book of erotic poetry.

📚📚📚

Calvin Klein — “Between love and madness lies obsession.”

Do the regular scholarships not fit your particular set of skills?

Remember that true attractiveness only comes when you give the illusion that you don’t care.

A Clockwork [insert name of random fruit here as it won’t matter as no one will understand what the f%@k this movie is really about anyways].

So, I decided to grow a beard. Hold your applause till the end.

Don’t attempt to “wing it” or “improvise” or “pull rabbits out of your hat.”

This is your lucky day, because I have compiled 11 extremely easy steps that, if taken, will lead to you becoming much more attractive then you are right now.

Do you want to get the girl? Follow this advice.

Don’t take this the wrong way, because I really value our friendship.

Cry your heart out.

When the two of you discuss your future plans she always gleefully suggests cutting off all ties with friends and family.

Change is just around the corner.