Are you old?

Feeling out of touch with the youth of today what with their haircuts and piercings and slang.

Well, here, with this guide, is your chance to not only understand what the youngins’ are all saying but to fit right in yourself.

Enjoy!

AF

The kids say “af” or “as f$%k” to mean “really” or “very” or to add emphasis in their desire to do something. I could see you using this to say “The nurse that cleans my bedpan is hot af though not so much while she is cleaning it” or “Can I pay you with this plastic baggie of dimes and nickles because I’m hungry af.” And no, despite how it looks in print, it isn’t a typo with the “s” missing — you aren’t in prison.

Daddy

This is good for that special someone who looks after you and cares for you and occasionally takes you out to the mall to buy your special presents, and no, despite how it looks, he’s not really your daddy. Your daddy died in the war, remember?

“OMG, I’m dying!”

Don’t use this saying when you think you may actually need serious medical attention — call 911. Instead, this expression is for when someone else, who has always been a total jerk towards you, needs serious medical attention and you find that absolutely hilarious.

Fam

This is used by youth to describe their closest, most trustworthy, friends. You could use this appropriately for the group you play bridge or go lawn bowling with or for your book club or knitting group, but not to describe the pharmacist you buy your erectile dysfunction medication from, the nice man from the government investigating you for years of tax evasion or the statue of the man on the horse despite how much that horse seems to like you.

GOAT

For the last time, you say this when someone is the best at something as it typically stands for “Greatest of All Time” and not the “Galveston Orientation and Amnesia Test” that your family had you take on three separate occasions when you seemed not to remember their names while writing your will. You also don’t refer to someone as a GOAT when you think they are a goat. Right, regardless of how it looks, I’m not a talking goat.

#Goals

The kids say this often in a caption on a photo displaying something they hope to achieve like a six pack, or a couple in love or graduating from school. It can also be used ironically for comedic effect such as you saying “#goals” when your brand new 20-something girlfriend excitedly suggests a prenup after “accidentally” seeing your bank statement or when your doctor indicates you don’t need a catheter, yet.

Woke

Okay, like you know when you become really, hyper-aware of something to the point where you see things in a whole new light and it motivates you to get up, off the couch and make a difference out there in the real world? No? Okay, forget this one, let’s move on.

JK

Kids will say “jk” when they want the listener to know they are “just kidding” and aren’t serious or crazy or a stalker. Saying “jk” is your way of keeping things light and from becoming too serious or depressing. You’ll have them rolling in the aisles with jokes like “I need to have open heart surgery tomorrow and I’m so anxious, jk jk” or “I don’t know how to get home, jk jk” or “I love you, Rachel, you are my soulmate, I want to spend the rest of our lives together (pause to see how it’s going), jk jk.”

Lit

Call something “lit” when it is going to be super-amazing and off-the-hook exciting which, probably would be reserved for Sunday afternoon bingo, a particularly enthralling game of Parcheesi, when you sort-of mistakenly take the wrong meds and decide to hijack the public bus and drive to Vegas and not when you fall asleep by the fire smoking your pipe.

Low Key

Teens say “low key” when they want to keep something a secret or have a low profile on something so no one else knows about it, like “I low key want to rob a bank and then act senile if I get caught”. It can also be used in conjunction with other modern slang for great effect. For example, you could say “I low key want to disown my lazy af son right now”, but just make sure your lazy af son isn’t present at the time and hasn’t had your room bugged.

Salty

Call someone salty when they are frustrated or unnecessarily unhappy with you, like the staff from the home when you decide to walk naked into the library or elementary school playground across the street looking for your little sister — whom we keep telling you is a grown adult herself — because it’s bath time…again. This is also appropriate for when you wake up covered in salt, which often happens for some reason.

Savage

Kids say someone is being savage when they have no regard for the consequences of their words/actions. As older citizens, who have almost completely lost your filter and seem not to care what anyone thinks of you, you could be referred to as a-walking-talking-round-the-clock savage. Like when you tell the waitress “the coffee is horrible and you need to lose a few pounds” or the kid next door that he “will never amount to anything just like your deadbeat father and, also, your dog hates you” or when you tell your daughter “that there are obvious reasons you are still single.” But, for the thousandth time, you must cease publicly calling the guy across the street with darker skin a “savage” unless you enjoy human rights violations.

Shook

Something happens that is so incredible, you feel like your body is literally being shaken sort of like that time you froze when you thought you won the lottery and we had to frantically revive you because we thought we’d lost you.

Thicc

This is for a woman who has got it going on! She has sexy curves for days and has hips that mean business! When uttering the word, over-emphasize the “k” sound at the end to show how cool you are. But, this is not to be used when talking about your heavy, new prescription glasses no matter how thick and curvy or to describe your partner who has put on a few pounds and will justifiably punch you in the face.

YOLO

YOLO or “you only live once” is used by youths to justify almost any action from quasi-normal (e.g. eating two huge bowls of ice cream) to silly (e.g. dying all of your hair fluorescent pink in an effort to look like a muppet) to stupid (e.g. borrowing your dad’s car, without asking, to go to a muppet audition, but leaving empty ice cream cartons and cans of pink hair dye in the backseat). As an elder citizen, you can now explain away almost anything as YOLO from forgetting to wear your dentures to smoking like a chimney to cashing in your stocks and bonds and purchasing a pony to accidentally on purpose misinterpreting the pictures on the bathroom doors at the swimming pool each day at five.