Tommy Paley

With our busy schedules, perpetual bags under our eyes, and that hard-to-completely-remove less-than-pleasant body odor, it’s a surprise we aren’t all doomed to stay single forever.

If you can’t engage in a normal conversation with a girl you like, you will be single forever.

Put a pot of salted water on the stove, bring to a boil over high heat while attempting to forget her final remarks negatively comparing your physique both to a pile of wet socks and, oddly, a question mark.

As I’m sure you know, even one of these ideal relationships that appears — even on close inspection — to be heading towards a lifetime of wedded bliss, can be derailed like a train

I need to take a short break at 10 p.m. and text my mom.

My world irrevocably changed on March 8th, 2000 when my sister, Lynn, fell to her death while hiking in California.

Have fun reading books!

“I was running out of material for my therapist anyway.”

Justify this to those who know you. Believe it or not, some people don’t think slapping others in the face is ever warranted.

The way you often put your head on my shoulder (it’s easy because you are tall and I am not tall) as if to say “my neck is tired” or “let’s briefly touch scalps” or “I love you.”

Good luck finding someone who loves you like I do.

So quiet. All the time. Eerily so.

You organize a surprise birthday party for her and she shows up with a date who is clearly better than you in every way.

Meeting her for an early morning aerobics class and then being comically out-of-shape and disgustingly sweaty within 5 minutes is not good.

Through the years I’ve asked questions, I’ve raised my voice, I’ve demanded answers. 

Pretty exciting isn’t it, what with the sweaty palms, the involuntary leg shakes and the desire to abuse anxiety medication?

Remember to feign interest during this stage of small talk even if it feels like a small part of your soul is being vacuumed through your ears.

Tool of Titans: Why the Quality and Size of your Tools, and Yes, We Are Talking About “Those” Tools Makes All the Difference. Sorry.