Tim Goessling

Did you think it was beneath you? You are the same person that sweated in line you for ramen burger, or am I thinking of someone else?

When you favorite band releases their tour schedule and they’re playing everywhere but your city.

Now we need reasons for every action, and if that reason doesn’t exist, be prepared to be labeled as “lazy.”

Let’s be honest, this game is like institutionalized bullying.

In the movies, no one says “I texted you every day for year!” Letters live on throughout history.

Thou shalt judge anyone who doesn’t fold their pizza slices.

While the rich boys are exploring the Middle East and learning to differentiate among hummus varietals, you’re slumped in your chair at your (insert menial job you hate), rationalizing your sloth by convincing yourself you only have cash for rent and Easy Mac.

Some people still bear the scars of having to explain Hamlet to an English class full of demon-eyed drama nerds, but I assure you it can be done.

But that’s just the avocados, don’t even get me started on the strawberries. This is California. Second only to weed, Californians are experts at describing their tomatoes in hyperbolic terms.