1. Seizing the moment.
I was having sex with a new boyfriend for the first time. I had a seizure.
He didn’t realize what was happening at first and finished.
To be fair, I hadn’t had a seizure in years and he didn’t know I had epilepsy.
2. Two full inches.
This guy I worked with was always bragging about how good he was and how big his dick was.
We were getting naked and no joke, it was maybe 2 inches fully erect.
To top it off, he broke down crying because he apparently had a girlfriend and couldn’t believe he just cheated on her…
I ended up having to call her to come get him.
3. “I’M RICK JAMES, BITCH!!”
He confessed eternal love to my vagina and then yelled “YEAH! I’M RICK JAMES BITCH!!” when he climaxed. He’s a white guy who dresses like slim shady and thinks he’s a cowboy. It was also jack rabbit sex so it was extra terrible and hard on my back.
4. Done before starting.
Reached into his pants while making out and he came on my arm as soon as I made contact.
5. He purposely stung his dick with bees.
I dunno if it counts because we did not even get to the sex. But he brought … bees … into foreplay.
Yes, bees. He kept honeybees in the backyard. I’m sure they made delicious honey but he had them sting his dick for harder long-lasting super-erections. He said he got the idea from the Kama Sutra. His penis looked like a red cucumber and I think my vagina shriveled like a prune.
I am allergic to bee stings anyway so I swallowed my horror down that I nearly fucked my allergy and politely let him know it wouldn’t work out. But he was a nice guy otherwise!
6. He yelled at his dick.
I had been dating this guy I worked with for about a month, and we were really hitting it off. … He had been working me up, talking about how amazing he was going to make it that night, and I was seriously creaming my pants just waiting for it all to go down.
We go to his room, where I had never been. He’s obviously still wasted and mumbles something about not having much time to clean lately as he’s opening the door. He turned on his light and I literally gasped. His room was fucking FILTHY. He had no bed, just a mattress on the floor. Dirty laundry everywhere. Empty beer cans and DVDs and dishes on the floor and it smelled like rotting food.
I have no logical reason for why that was not a deal-breaker. It should have been, but oh, I really really like him, and well it’s his birthday, and hey my room gets messy sometimes too, and he isn’t acting like it’s a big deal so maybe I’m just being squeamish. …
So after I had snagged a few clean sheets to cover up the mattress, and Febrezed, and the rotten food was removed and taken a few more shots, and the lights were turned down enough that I could almost ignore my surroundings and pretend this situation was something approaching normal, we started getting down to business. So we’re making out. And making out. And making out some more, and that’s all we are doing. And then I notice he is fucking crying.
He jumps up, naked, and flips on the lights. And points to his flaccid penis and gestures ¯(ツ)/¯ like he’s the announcer at the circus says “and here, ladies and gentleman, is the star of the show!”
I beg him to please calm down, but he completely ignores me like I’m not even in the room. It is just him and his penis, and now they are having an argument. He is mad at his penis. He scolds his penis for ALWAYS FUCKING EVERYTHING UP! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME! EVERY TIME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??
I’m just sitting there, frozen, on the verge of tears. Scared out of my fucking mind because this is literally the craziest shit I have ever witnessed in my life, and I have no idea where he’s going with this. I try talking to him—it’s fine, you are just drunk, it happens, I don’t care, really. Again, it’s like I’m not even in the room. Then finally, he turns his back, and lets out this horrible half-groan/half-whimper. I see my way out, grab my shit and hightail it out of there (my escape was complicated due to the lack of a clear path across the floor). As I’m hopping my way out, he’s banging his fucking head against the wall slowly and methodically and slapping his penis. Or maybe giving it a spanking. In any case it’s apparently being punished.
The kicker—I’m literally walking through the door and he screams at me “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Like yeah, dude…way ahead of you.
TL;DR After month-long build-up of sexual tension, I find out the dude I’m dating lives like a barn animal and gets into fights with his flaccid penis.
7. Hour-long BJ.
The first blowjob I ever gave was an hour long. Why he didn’t stop me sooner I don’t know, I was a naive clueless virgin back then… anyways being on my knees for an hour long caused my legs to go completely numb and faceplant right into the wall.
8. Clit-biting crybaby.
He insisted on biting my clit during oral. Not just once, he kept doing it even after I told (well, screamed at) him to stop. I had to literally shove his head away from my poor bleeding vagina. Then he was pissed that I didn’t want to keep going and didn’t want to have sex anymore. He told me that I actually liked it and was being a bitch, because his previous girlfriend liked having her clit bitten during oral. He kept trying to guilt trip me into having sex with him while I had an ice pack on my vag. And no, he wouldn’t leave when I told him to. He didn’t force himself on me or anything like that afterwards, he just sat around and pouted for the rest of the night and called me an ungrateful prude while telling me all about his wonderful ex.
So yeah, I got a wonderful combination of pain, being insulted, and compared to an ex that he hadn’t gotten over yet.
9. “I AM THE FUCKING CHAMPION.”
Was giving this really attractive, well-endowed guy a blowjob this one time. As he nears climax, he says, “Am I… Am… Yes.. YES! I’m cumming! I AM THE FUCKING CHAMPION.”
And then he proceeded to just sort of lay there, eyes closed, randomly shaking every few seconds. I said his name a few times and he was just blacked out, or something. I was so embarrassed.
10. It’s known as “bagpiping.”
Once had a guy ask to fuck my armpit.
11. He asked for scrotal hickeys.
Ugh. … Fucking a dude who informs me that he’s not going to be able to come with the condom on, and I’m not about to let this guy nut in me so I take the condom off and begin sucking his dick in the hopes that he finishes. He then tells me that he likes having his balls bitten. Oh boy. So here I am on this stupid couch trying to pleasure a lunatic who gets off on ball biting. I give it a college try, sucking his sack and scraping my teeth against his testes, but I really just cannot commit to this shit. I’m kind of like, giving his scrote hickeys? Sucking forcefully and nibbling? But I think he really wanted me to take a gonad between my molars. Finally he jerked himself off with me sucking his balls and came on his stomach. God. Oh and the cat was watching us the entire time. This might not be my worst experience ever, but it’s still very fresh in my memory and I just need to tell the Internet.
12. Mom saw my strap-on.
I was 16 and in a relationship with another woman at the time. Was wearing a vibrating strap on, fucking my GF doggie style. We kept edging closer to the end of the bed and she kept saying to go harder go harder, so I’m slamming it and I guess I thrusted too hard and her elbows slipped out from under her and next thing I know she smashes her face into the edge of the headboard (it was one of those Ikea Malm ones with super sharp corners) then goes rolling off the bed head first and is in a naked fuckpile on my bedroom floor not answering me. So I panic thinking I fucking killed her or something and immediately go running thru the house naked at 3 am, burst open my mom’s door wearing nothing but a strap on dildo that’s still vibrating, yelling MOM! MOMHELP. She shoots up out of bed like a deer in headlights asking me what the fuck is the matter with me and runs into my bedroom with me (mind you she’s in nothing but mom panties) and by the time we both run back in there my GF is back awake, sitting naked on my bedroom floor just staring back at my panicked mother in underpants and me with my cock still all BZZZBBZZZBZZBZZZZZZZ.
13. Is it in?
Went home with a guy I’d had a crush on forever and things got hot and heavy (lights off, he was shy?). I actually asked, “Is it in?”… It was in. I faked it, he fell asleep, I caught a cab back to the club and continued with my night.
14. Smelly, hairy, queefing squirter.
I’m hoping that this applies to lesbian sex too, because boy oh boy do I have a train wreck of a story. Soooo. I went down on this girl one night and immediately noticed that the scent wasn’t great as my face neared her belly button. It wasn’t quite enough to deter me, as it wasn’t THAT offensive (but I wish that I had heeded my nose’s warning). So, that was the first strike. And then I found out that she had a bush. I’ve never been intimate with a girl that has one and it certainly wouldn’t be my first choice, but I was willing to get over it and again it wasn’t enough to deter me. And then she started queefing the second I started. Not slight queefing either.. Loud, offensive, over the top queefing that didn’t subside and only grew more intense as the experience continued. I understand that queefing cannot be controlled and I did my very best to ignore it even though at this point I was just so so appalled by the situation. To top it off, she squirted all over me. She then tried to return the favor, but I was so turned off that I had to leave.
15. Mid-BJ puke-fest.
I threw up everywhere mid-blowjob. It was kind of funny.
16. Mid-fellatio flatulence.
He farted while I was going down on him. No acknowledgement, no apologies, and therefore no more dates.
17. He spat on my vagina.
Guy spat on my vagina. Like leaned back and spat on it.
18. He got his chewing gum stuck in my bush.
I guess the worst was when my first boyfriend went down on me and got his gum stuck in my pubes.
19.
Hooked up with a coworker and he only liked the most vanilla sex imaginable. He hated if I wanted a faster pace, didn’t want me to touch or kiss him at all once he was inside. He just wanted to put his penis inside me and let it marinate until he came.
20.
Probably a guy that couldn’t get hard so he started humping my thigh and then when he did get hard just humped away for about thirty minutes and insisted he wanted to keep going because he wanted to cum. It was the second time having sex and to be honest I knew it wasn’t gonna happen.
So he finally gives up and when he pulls out the condom stayed inside me. When I took it out I was pissed and getting dressed quickly so I could leave, he told me that he was going to sleep and not gonna walk me out, and that I “should really really get the plan b pill”.
21.
Back when I was a youngin’, I was bent over my bed getting fucked by this dude who had an oddly shaped penis. It felt great but I didn’t know yet that that position makes my vagina turn into a black hole of air that suddenly explodes at random. So as he is about to thrust back in, I queef. I started giggling, which then turned into an almost 10 minute nonstop queef.
Dude got dressed and left my bedroom and waited for me in the living room, I just sat there queefing and laughing at myself the whole time. He broke up with me the next day (He didn’t want to be with someone who did that) but I didn’t care because that was by far the most hilarious situation I’ve ever experienced.
22.
This guy seemed like he was going to finger me but he just put his finger between my labia and started thrusting it like he had no idea there was a hole he was supposed to be finding. nowhere near my clit either. it was kinda sweet because i don’t think he had much experience and he was looking really serious and i was like whoo boy wait until you find out there’s a whole next level.
23.
I was on acid and he was really drunk. After he put the condom on he could not for the life of him get it in. Like it took us both a good 8 minutes because he wouldn’t fucking scoot back and he kept trying it at weird angles. Then when he finally got it in, he took one deep thrust, and then pulled out and said “oh shit, I just got dizzy. I feel really lightheaded, I think I’m gonna go.” Then he grabbed his alcohol, put on his pants and left. And he never took the condom off either like what?? So I spent the rest of the night watching the ceiling move.
24.
This happened two nights ago. My long-term boyfriend went down on me and it was amazing. Idk what it was, but I was ultra-relaxed. He’s gone down on me hundreds of times, but this time was just incredible. When I came, I was seeing stars it was so good.
Then he lost his balance and slipped…and he bit down on my clitoral hood. Just a tiny little spot. It hurt so fucking much. He freaked out and started crying because he’s never hurt me like that and fuck it hurt so much that I just started crying from the pain.
I’m laying there, splayed out and crying from pain and he’s literally in the corner of the room, ass naked, facing the wall and straight sobbing. “ARE YOU OKAY?? sniffles DO YOU NEED ME TO CHECK IT OUT?? ARE YOU BLEEDING?? DO YOU NEED A BAND-AID (lmao)?? WHAT DO I DO??”
I checked it out and I was just swollen and bruised. After much reassurance and hugs, all was well. The pain subsided after a few minutes, but nothing else.
‘Twas a night to remember, that’s for damn sure!
— 2Apples3
25.
Probably with an ex who always wanted to receive but not give. The one time he consented to going down on me, I had shaved really good and washed really good. He took two licks, made a disgusted face like a kid who hates vegetables and refused to do more. I was so angry and it was such a blow to my self esteem. Having been with people since who have loved going down on me, I’ve gotten my confidence back. But I’ll never forget that look on his face.
26.
A guy I shagged on his (!) blow up air mattress when I was younger. He had the craziest fucking look in his eye that was unsettling and he just kept thrusting jack hammer style. Not only was his technique bad, but he managed to look creepy in bed!
I left at 3am and drove home crying, he thought we had the most amazing time and was parading around his house all in love (his housemate and me are friends). He then sent way too many FB and text messages, until finally fucking off.
27.
The worst sex I had was with a military guy. We hooked up and he just laid there. I mean, seriously, he did absolutely nothing–no thrusting, no nothing. He didn’t even touch me. It was really weird. He thought it was awesome and tried to call me several more times.
28.
So he immediately asked me after we attempted several positions (none of which worked & one which made me bust out laughing b/c it was ridiculous and i have no idea where he picked that position up) if i had been molested/sexually abused in the past.
I don’t know how he got that from our sexual incompatibility and even if you did think that, why would you even broach that kind of topic right after??? we didn’t last long.
29.
Worst as in how I felt: Slept with an ex, thinking I had forgiven him. I hadn’t deep down, and I almost threw up. Lied that I thought I was catching a cold and left. Haven’t really spoken to him since.
Worst as in physical experience: Had sex with a girl who was the complete opposite of me in terms of how to get us to orgasm. Both of us were so baffled by each other’s bodies that we just kind of patted at each other for an hour. I kept accidentally being too rough and causing her pain, and she kept trying to be rough enough that I could feel it. She couldn’t really grasp the difference between “firm pressure” and “injury” because her own preference was to only be touched with the lightest of fingertips. I ended up extremely not in the mood, bruised, and trying to fend off her insistence that we’d get better at it (I feel like sex that begins at the level of “repeatedly injuring each other” is not going to rise to great heights with practice).
— kanekoi
30.
Oh dear haha. I consented but regretted it instantly when he started fucking my thighs thinking he was inside me. Thankfully he came quickly.
— Diawyn
31.
There was this one guy I call fish sex. Not as in dead fish, but live fish. It was like someone took a live fish out of the water and threw it on top on me. He was all sweaty, flailing and flopping around, and gasping for air. I didn’t know what to do, I just prayed it would be over soon, it wasn’t, the fish sex lasted for at least half an hour. I never called him again.
32.
1st time with new guy, he puked on my stomach. Or the time I was really drunk and tried to be sexy while being on top and leaning back, lost balance and fell off the bed backwards ending up on the floor naked like a starfish having to pretend it didnt hurt
— MssDare
33.
It was the first time with an ex a few years ago. He was extremely good-looking and sweet, so I was more than happy to get the sexy time rolling. He wanted to role play, which is fine, but I was a little thrown off since it was the first time and all. We sat on the edge of the bed and he pretended I give him road head. He had his hands on the “wheel” and everything.
After that, we get to foreplay for me. He goes down on me, but it’s like he’s trying to suck the entire lower half of my body into his mouth. No focused attention anywhere, just sloppy licking everywhere.
Well, after I thought it couldn’t get much worse, it did. He folds me in half like a rag doll and starts eating my ass likes it’s his last meal. I was in shock and let this go on for much longer than necessary. After about a minute or two I scoot back, say I need to go to the bathroom, and sit in the bathroom for the next fifteen minutes sobbing into a towel.
34.
Micropenis. I was sure they were a myth until then. No warning about it or anything. I tried to just go with it, but he didn’t do anything for me and I didn’t get any pleasure out of the experience.
35.
I met a guy from Craigslist when in London for the day. We’d swapped numbers after a few emails and arranged to meet. He met me at the tube station, grabbed my hand, and awkwardly speed-walked me to his place. He said his housemates were out for a few hours. His room was a dump, smelt like whatever food he’d eaten (the plate was on the floor). He walked into his room and took off all his clothes, put on a condom and laid down face up on the bed just like waiting for me.
I’m way too polite so pulled my tights off and lifted up my skirt and climbed on. He had to use his hand to push his small, mostly flaccid dick into me. I moved up and down (carefully, so the awkward floppy penis wouldn’t fall out) and tried to fake pleasure, whilst he just laid there, hands behind his head, just looking down at our genitals, smiling, without actually looking up at me.
After a couple of minutes, I faked an orgasm then looked at the clock and told him I had to go (making it sound like I really wanted to stay). I quickly got up and put my tights back on and he asked for my name. I told him the first fake name that came to my head, Daisy, and left. Spent the rest of the day shopping on Oxford Street to take my mind off how awful my first Craigslist encounter had been, and later that day got a text saying ‘hey Maisy I hope u had fun;) let me know when u wanna come back for more’ Considering I’d told him my (fake) name was daisy and he couldn’t even get that right, it’s safe to say I never did and never will go back for more!
36. His orgasm was like an epileptic convulsion.
“His orgasm was like an epileptic convulsion. If he were on top when he came, he would lose all control, fall and flop about like a fish. It was as dangerous as it was a turnoff.”
37. He bit my clit. Hard.
“I’ve said this before but he bit my clit. Hard.”
38. He had a micropenis. I had no warning.
“He had a micropenis. I had no warning.”
39. Humping a snake would have been hotter.
“I think he was trying to be a sexy snake of something. When he was moving down from my face to my twat, he kept swaying side to side in some fashion that I think he thought was sexy. After that the oral was bad, his dick was about an inch wide and maybe four inches long, didn’t feel much. I think humping a snake would have been hotter.”
40. He proceeds to make his cats ‘talk’ to me in a high-pitched voice for an uncomfortable amount of time.
“I have plenty of ‘bad sex’ stories, but this is my favorite: It was my first time hanging out with this guy I met online. My car was in the shop so he picks me up and we go out. We have a bite to eat and he seems like a pretty chill guy/not a psychopath, so we head back to his house. As soon as we walk through the door he tells me that he needs to introduce me to his cats. I like cats so I thought it was kind of sweet… But then he gets real serious and tells me that if his cats don’t like me he’s taking me right home. Alright, fair enough…? Then he proceeds to make his cats ‘talk’ to me in a high-pitched voice for an uncomfortable amount of time. Like I said, I love cats but this was awkward, not to mention a major mood killer. Apparently the cats approved, because we ended up in the bedroom….
…and that’s when I broke his dick.
The car ride home was uncomfortable, to say the least.”
41. He’s still wearing his ribbed tank-top. And his socks.
“When I was about 13, I had a huge crush on this guy. He wound up dating my cousin, and my best friend, all while ignorant of my huge crush. He moves, and we really only vaguely connect back on Facebook. Until one day he messages me, saying he’s going to be in the city I had recently moved to for the weekend, and he wanted to meet up and get some drinks.
Long story short, the next night I’m in his shitty motel room, having sex with this guy I’d been in love with ten years before, and I realize something. He’s still wearing his ribbed tank-top. And his socks.
Not to mention, he’s really not very good at all.
My 13-year-old self was extremely let down.”
42. Diarrhea pours out of me onto the bed mid-pounding.
“I’d been a bit sick for a couple of days beforehand. Just a cold; some lightheadedness, a bit queasy, but I was getting better. We’re having missionary sex with my legs wrapped around him. He’s bouncing on me to go all the way in and out quickly each bounce.
I’m feeling gassy, trying to enjoy the sex without my body distracting my hormones too much. I figure a fart isn’t too bad but I still work to hold it in for the sake of sexual atmosphere. Then one of his deep thrusts knocks away my control.
Diarrhea pours out of me onto the bed mid-pounding.
Oh god.
.
…Oh god…”
43. Thought my clit was going to be disfigured for life.
“The worst sex I had didn’t involve penetration but it was oral sex. I was on the receiving end and this guy was being really rough. I tried to tolerate it but after just a minute I had to stop him. What was he doing? Chewing down there? Sucking the life out of my clit? I never felt anything like it but it sucked.
Whatever it was he did had my clit swollen up 10x its normal size. Like it was flowering out of my labia like a balloon. I couldn’t wear pants. Took a sick day from school the next day since I couldn’t get dressed and even walking was making me miserable. Thought my clit was going to be disfigured for life, but it went down in a few days.”
44. After maybe 2 minutes in, he came all over my leg. Didn’t even get to the penetration!.
“Guy was grinding and rubbing on my leg kissing me. After maybe 2 minutes in, he came all over my leg. Didn’t even get to the penetration!”
45. After about five minutes he abruptly stopped and said, ‘I finished, like, a while ago.’.
“After about five minutes he abruptly stopped and said, ‘I finished, like, a while ago.’
I was like, ‘…what?’”
46. He whispered ‘I have a penis!’ into my ear.
“Asked my shy boyfriend to talk dirty to me during sex, and after getting him going with all the filthy shit I could think of, he moaned, grunted, worked up the courage and whispered sexily and in total earnest, ‘I have a penis!’ To be fair, this is totally not the worst sex I’ve had. A good in-the-act laugh, however unintended, can be fun. But it’s still one of my favorite stories.”
47. I ended up covered in puke and blood…and it wasn’t even my own.
“The sex was pretty meh beforehand but really took a turn when he puked all over me, I jumped up and my elbow connected with his lip busting it open. So not only did I have unfulfilled and unsatisfactory sex, I ended up covered in puke and blood…and it wasn’t even my own.”
48. He was done in three thrusts and obviously used a too-big condom as he LEFT IT INSIDE ME!
“I’d been chatting to a guy online and discovered that he literally lived about 4 doors down from me, so we decided to hook up. I was 18 and still living with my dad, so we figured his place since he was 26.
I wander round, he answers the door and we head straight to the bedroom. He undresses and is already hard and ‘suited up,’ which really should have been my first hint that it wasn’t going to be fantastic. But oh well, I’m horny and fairly inexperienced, so let’s go.
Well, he yanks my skirt up and just goes right in, no foreplay, nothing. Three thrusts later as I’m still trying to work out what the fuck is happening, he abruptly stops, pulls out and says, and I quote here, ‘You’re obviously not that into it. You should just go home. Now, because my mum will be back any minute.’
Whatever, I am totally done here even without him mentioning the m word, so I don’t even stop to put my underwear back on, just walk out the door. A few steps into my walk home I’m thinking it feels a bit weird down there, so I reach down and pull out… a condom. A FULL condom. He was done in three thrusts and obviously used a too-big condom as he LEFT IT INSIDE ME! Then tried to cover up his slight issue with premature ejaculation, by claiming I was the problem.
0/10 never again.
TL;DR: He came in three thrusts and left the full condom inside me…”
49. He was not well endowed. Look at your pinky.
“I am not a size queen by any means but, sex is not just about penetration. if you aren’t gifted in some areas, be willing to participate in others.
He lived across the hall in rez, he was funny, we flirted, we hooked up. he…was not well endowed. look at your pinky. he also wouldn’t do any foreplay. nothing. not even fingers. then he pulls out FUCKING Magnums. and this is when I knew I was just drifting down the river of denial and my final destination would be sad vibrator orgasm city. so, no foreplay, way too big condom, I try and say I really just want to suck him off, try to save the evening and make something of it. NOPE in he goes! Three thrusts, tells me I’m too loose, I must be a whore. so I noped out of there.”
50. I got to walk home with toilet paper shoved up my nose.
“I was getting face fucked in the shower when the guy got a little overconfident and slammed my head down hard onto his dick. My nose slammed into his pubic bone and when I moved my head back blood was pouring out of my nose. Needless to say, he made a quick excuse of being tired and I got to walk home with toilet paper shoved up my nose.”
51. I didn’t cum. I cum if you look at me right, so that says a lot.
“He wanted to watch anime before and after. His room and place was filthy and I got no foreplay. He had a big dick but no clue how to use it and finished early. I didn’t cum. I cum if you look at me right, so that says a lot. I left as soon as it was polite.”
52. At one point he whispered, ‘It hurts more than you thought it would, doesn’t it?’
“The first time. He was 8 years older than me and basically talked me into it when I was in a deep depression. I was dry af and it really hurt and I started crying during the sex (don’t worry, it didn’t ruin things for him). Heh. At one point he whispered, ‘It hurts more than you thought it would, doesn’t it?’ Bonus lame point: when he was dropping me off, I was all ‘does this mean I’m not a virgin anymore?’ Also he didn’t call me after. Of course.
Double bonus: He was a pedophile who later did time for child porn charges. He liked ’em young! (I was 17, so legal in my state, but looked younger). One of his friends even said I was older than the girls he usually went for.”
53. He leaned over, whispered ‘I love you,’ and I felt a wet spot on my leg.
“Clingy not-quite-boyfriend, wanted more than I did out of the relationship. One afternoon we were hanging out, he kept edging closer to me. I wasn’t sure if he was cold, wanted a cuddle, or what; he never said a word, just kept staring straight ahead at whatever PG-13 teen movie we were watching and sitting uncomfortably close. Every once in a while he’d sort of rub on my leg; I thought he was just trying to get comfortable. Nope.
He leaned over, whispered ‘I love you,’ and I felt a wet spot on my leg.
We didn’t talk much after that day.”
54. When I didn’t cum he said, ‘You came close though, right? That’s what counts.’
“There was this really gorgeous Brazilian guy on the soccer team at my college. We knew each other and were really friendly for about a year and a half before things happened. He came over, and I was really, really excited to get with him. He stumbles in a bit drunk, but still smiling and he seems excited too. We start making out on my bed.
Clothes come off and he starts eating me out. I lay back and relax, closing my eyes and focusing on the sensation….except it feels….off? Like, really blunt and not enough pressure or something. I look down and see he’s closing his eyes just drunkenly dragging his face back and forth over my entire pussy. Real turn off.
I should have sent him home, but I honestly didn’t even think about it in the moment. He somehow gets it up and after like, two minutes he’s apparently done and jumps off my bed, starting to put his clothes on. I’m really disappointed, I ask him ‘you’re leaving? Really? At least help me finish…’ And he responded with ‘Oh, my friend is waiting for me. You came close though, right? That’s what’s counts.’ And walked out.
Texted my roommate that she could come back not even 20 minutes after I let him in the building. Really embarrassing.
Fucking jocks.”
55. We had awkward sex while his roommate cried next door.
“I’ve had lots of bad sex, boring or tiny penis you can’t feel at all… but the worst was when I started dating this guy who was older than me and a ‘scientist.’ It sounded so cool to me that I put up with his weirdness. He lived in this house where he rented a room and had weird roommates. One roommate he told me was morbidly obese and never left the house. I never met them. Anyway, dude I was dating had a big schlong but had zero idea how to use it. His tiny room was mostly a computer and clothes, and he slept on a foam sheet on the floor. He would only have sex missionary and super slow. I was miserable each time. But the worst sex was we were slowly going at it and I start hearing this weird sound from outside. Sounded like a cat meowing, or maybe a baby crying. I ask him if he hears it and he says “oh that’s bob (roommate), he’s changing the dressings on his legs and it’s so painful he cries while he does it.” Didn’t stop his weird slow thrusting at all. I noped out of there. Ended up dumping him for a multitude of reasons a little later on, but that awkward sex while his roommate cried next door will always be remembered.”
56. He had talons for nails, so everything hurt.
“Ughhhhhh! this guy. his penis was long but quite thin and he just didn’t know what he was doing….He had talons for nails, so everything hurt.”
57. I wound up just hurling all over him.
“My boyfriend and I have been into BDSM basically since the day we got together. He’s usually a dom, I’m usually a sub, and we do the Daddy Dom/little sub kink. This was a couple of years ago, so we couldn’t have been together long. He made me a grilled cheese and homemade tomato soup for dinner (I like comfort food), and I was very full. We were horny little assholes, so we fucked like an hour later. At the end, he had me get on my knees and be ready for him to cum in my mouth. Before I could swallow, I had to hold it on my tongue to show him how much cum I could take. In a moment of horrific inspiration, he decided to add on to the cold load on my tongue by spitting in my mouth. I immediately projectile puked tomato soup, grilled cheese, cum, and spit. In a moment of panic, my boyfriend shot his hands out to catch the puke mid-air and I wound up just hurling all over him.
As soon as I realized what I did, I screamed and ran to the bathroom and sobbed for like half an hour while he cleaned up. Eventually I let him into the bathroom, confident he was going to dump me and tell me to get out. Instead he sheepishly apologized for being a huge idiot and we had a great laugh about it.”
58. I accidentally pushed him into the pond.
“Was at a party at a friend’s house and hooked up with a guy in the yard out back by the koi pond. A cop car with its siren on drove past (turned out to be something totally unrelated) and we freaked out thinking we’d get busted for indecent exposure or something. We were having sex with him sitting in a lawn chair and me straddling him, and in my hurry to get off him and look like we weren’t doing anything I accidentally pushed him into the pond.”
