4. My time to fucking shine; I knew those four years at Walmart would pay off eventually.
I worked the service desk, so I dealt with/saw some of the most epic people of Walmart bullshit imaginable.
1.). I had a couple attempt to return a half empty and exceptionally sticky bottle of KY because “It didn’t work, it still hurt when he put it in my butt.” I stood there for a solid thirty seconds holding a half used bottle of lube that was bought and used to shove something up this woman’s ass before I regretfully informed them that I couldn’t possibly process this return. I handed them their lube back and then went to the bathroom to dry heave and wash my hands.
2.) I had a middle aged guy come in an ask for a paper job application because for whatever reason he didn’t feel comfortable using the online kiosk. Ok, whatever, it’s a slow night and I don’t have shit to do. I scrounged up a paper application and he started to fill it out at the desk. We shot the shit while he was filling it out; he was funny and we had the same taste in books. Once he got to the question “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?” He paused and asked me if he should answer that honestly. I told him yes, because if HR ran his name and found something then he would be ineligible for hire since he lied. He then proceed to tell me he had been convicted of a felony. I shrugged, what the fuck ever dude. Welcome to the Walmart freak family, homie. “And it was a sex crime”, he says. “Well, crimes.” At this point I take a step back. “Oh, don’t worry, I only raped guys so your fine,” he said and calmly went back to filling out his application as my eyebrows met my hairline.
3.) We had a customer, we called her Huffy because she would come in and huff the aerosol dust remover that people use to clean their keyboards, get high, and then pass out in the bathroom for a few hours. I should also tell you that at the end of our parking lot was a small grassy median, and on the other side of the median is a Burger King. Remember this note.
Well management and loss prevention got tired of ol’ Huffy coming in and stealing dust remover and taking up valuable bathroom space. So the next time she came in a manager and a loss prevention associate were in her like flies on shit. Somehow, that wily ol’ Huffy was able to partake in a few cans of dust remover before the two associates moved in. Once Huffy saw two employees walking towards her she took off, with Walmart’s best giving chase. I’m not sure why they chased her honestly. It was probably a slow day for them. The electronics worker who saw this all go down got on his walkie and radioed us up at the front, “Shit’s going down and it’s moving towards you.”
I didn’t have anybody at the desk so I moved out on the floor just in time to see Huffy and the two associates streak through the doors like bats out of hell. I ran to the door because I am not one to miss a shit show. I saw Huffy get in her car and make a break out of the parking lot, clipping two cars as she made her escape, leaving to winded Walmart workers watching he drive off into the sunset.
Now believe it or not, but someone who has just huffed two cans of dust remover isn’t the best driver. I watched the car start to swerve halfway down the parking lot, then straighten out as Huffy gunned it. She jumped the median and slammed her car through the back wall of the Burger King, coming to the stop in the vicinity of the kitchen. Hands down one of the better attempts to escape the long arm of the Walmart law I’ve seen.
